Saturday, August 25, 2007

Where am i?

I sit in my favorite Belgian cafe(a small luxury which I granted myself), Le Pain Quotidien, drinking heavenly coffee out of little bowls, with light jazz music playing in the background and New Yorkers talking in the background-light skinned African Americans smiling and laughing enjoying life, making ME smile,.. however this is NOT New York, no, it is in a modern, very chic, open planned mall that could be located in Rome, or Milan, but its in Istanbul.. It is hard to understand really, the huge gap between the secular luxury loving, comfortable living walking around the streets of New York as they are in Milan, or Istanbul, with the AKP regime, who are integrating into the very heart of the system. The educational system, social system, where, on Friday's if you do not go to mosque you are ostracized, and fundamentally forced to comply whether or not you believe. I usually sit outside in little sidewalk tea cafe's one of which happens to be under a mosque. It is an old cafe which has been there for at least 30years. This past year I've watched as slowly the sound system which projects the voice of the muezzin,(prayer) has gotten louder. To the degree in which you cannot talk, and although people have complained it is for nought. Looking into the faces of the young men who go to Friday prayer (which is compulsory for a muslim male-so I've been told) they are fresh and innocent, 11,15, early 20's and I feel a sense of pity-of course it is all relavent. They seem quite happy with their lives, having known little else, but looking at the increase of head scarves and the decrease of real opposition, it makes me wonder what Istanbul will look like in 20years. However for now, I can still enjoy looking around me and seeing only western faces...

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

So...I haven't written...

Spending time down south, I was able to relax, and think (maybe too much according to a few!) But, I realized that home is where the heart is, cliche though it might be. Right now a part of my heart is in Istanbul, and that means putting up with a few difficulties for the moment , such as a regime which is the opposite of what I'm used to. Conservative, and limiting to women, with men in the forefront of everything. Honor killings are still a huge issue, and economic life here is making people more and more short tempered. However,this regime IS what most people in Istanbul are used to and want, and unfortunate though it may be to most of us they will elect Gul. He is a representative of the people. So what do those of us who aren't part of this do, well we either bury our heads in the sand and hope for a miracle continueing to live a life which is in a way a cocoon against reality: western type clothing, bars, cliche's and all. Click our tongues and shake our heads (as our mothers are want to do) over where the country is heading and fear for their children..or run away. If you've lived abroad for a certain amount of time, its very difficult to find someone who "thinks" like you do. My friend and I were talking as we floated along in the water, lazing...and I thought back to my past relationships and what I wanted in a relationship now, and as I listed the basics.." enjoys life, laughter, doesn't bring wear me down with negativity, pushes me to do more as well as themselves etc" I found she was shaking her head in agreement, and she realized how difficult that will be with a turkish male. It's just not in their cultural upbringing..how sad..but then I started wondering if it was in any male society?? Should I start doing male gender studies instead and find out? Having just now read an article in IHT about how married women with children wish they had a wife..at home as well. How difficult it is to actually have children and a career, whereas men seem to prosper with a wife at home, wives seem to stress and lose job opportunities. Sometimes I think I shouldn't worry about probably not having children..which is my supposed cultural role in life...sigh, good thing I like to be controversial a bit.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

la vie est belle and the life is short...

Considering these two options, it's best to grab life with both hands? no? So, excuse me if I do what makes me happy and content, however hard it is to do in Turkey. This is a collectivist culture as my psychology master friend Su tells me. Therefore this means(in my humble opinion of course) that everybody and anybody will intrude, remark, exclaim and basically interfere in your life because well they know better and they mean well..and trying to be different or just yourself is a bit difficult. It's also interesting to see how different people view you, and the criticism about your character etc...hmmm I seem to be selfish and ungrateful, unstable a bit too in my choices in life - of course according to some, maybe it's true, I guess depending on whose side you are looking at it from..for me well, I tend to look at it from a more positive aspect, everything I've done has helped me grow and learn, and my life has been anything but monotonous..what is wrong with doing what makes you happy??so, right now I am pleased to be where I am and look forward to where I will be in the future.. under which sky who knows, Australia, France, U.S....

Looking up at the sky the stars are the same,
for you, for me, for the past centuries...
how many lovers stared into their depths,
lost, entranced, bewitched by their sheer numbers..
only to see a shooting star, one whose soul has died,
yet undiscouraged a wish is made...of love...of hope..

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Two different aspects of the same view..


me in Bodrum...enjoying some live music

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

irresistable....


2 months old ohhhhh...if only...

Monday, August 06, 2007

Grateful...

Okay...sometimes it pays to be grateful for the little things..like watching a pink sunset settle over grey mountains, framed by green pine trees- and being able to relax and know that life isn't so bad after all. Having spent about two weeks encased with my family-brother and nieces, along with a few friends, I realized how "free" I really am, and how much I have to be grateful for. Talking to a cousin I also realized how much I've experienced(and continue to experience) and grow as a person, whereas others get stuck and struggle to cope within a small world. Trying to find a way to escape- yet being tied down with responsibilities of marriage, children and possibly the worse of all their own lack of self confidence, that they will survive outside....People keep telling me I'm strong..but, I don't see it that way, we only have one life to live, why make it more complicated?? The basic necessity (besides love-sorry guys, it still makes me smile-what controversy!!) is happiness..but love comes in many forms-passion,respect, comradery..if we are lucky we get all three in one person...
Ahh sorry small digression but the landscape has turned from pink to shades of grey..there really is beauty in nature, if we only stop to take a look...and a deep breath..It's sad to see someone you care for in pain or living a life which is filled with more negatives then positives...especially when they are younger then you..

If not to listen to me when I speak,
why are you here,
If not to comfort me when I'm sad,
what use are you to me,
laughter, a powerful tool,
lost with the passage of time..how long has it been??
Be my friend as well as my lover,
otherwise we can't survive!
Why continue if we are only two machines,
traversing the same path, the same routine on automatic, where sex becomes just another chore!
If in the end this is what we become, grant me the strength to leave...for this is not a life.