Pink anyone????

An interesting sight on my way to work...

The world in pink an advertisment for a tv commercial! I couldn't stop smiling it was an amazing sight! This is an old street by the Italian High School. Everytime I pass this street the architecture reminds me of Italy or France...amazing when you think of all the cultures that truly did make up Istanbul, and now look at us...sigh. Mais la vie est toujours aussi belle.

I freely admit to sinning..and loving it!!

Spent a wonderful three days in Sofia and despite the 3hour border crossing, I freely admit to being a glutton!!! Anne and I spent three days in food heaven!! Shane, we found the Market Hall, by accident it looked like a tram station, and inside...mmmm...country ham, gouda cheese!! cheese that looked like camembert made from yogurt!!, delicious thick peasant bread, sliced ham, bacon, sausages...mouth waters just thinking about it!! However yes we did do more than just eat!! Although....we went to a restaurant which was amazing (even though the service wasn't) The Manastirka Magemitsa (http://www.magemitsa.com/) which served traditional recipes from Bulgarian monastaries. Beautiful old 19th century building, they closed the courtyard and added tables. Although the menu was literally around 30pages, we managed to eat 3 dishes- (not with ham we have our limits!) fish and a vegetable appetizer..one fish dish I remember came from St.George Monastery, and two desserts, an apple cake with no flour, just apples and nuts..(sorry Aurore) although there is ALOT more. A little pricey but worth it..We tried the beer and chardonnay not bad..Oh!! I almost forgot the Bread..imagine a huge fat challah bread with they serve with dry spices that you dip into, (according to Anne this is also done in Hungary).
We wandered around Sofia, and yes the Archeological museum was excellent!! however since it had just rained the cafe wasnt serving us, which was fine we sat outside amongst the roman head stones and enjoyed a rest..nice cafe. The museum had an interesting exposition on Japanese erotic art! yes..in detail..The weather was brisk compared to Istanbul and I came a bit unprepared with only one pair of pants!! which of course got drenched in the downpour...and no heating in the pension, well thanks to some innovative thinking on Anne's part, holding it over the lightbulbs, it was damp enough to wear till I bought some warm sweatpants..(which I needed anyway, but yes..(it was thoughtless of me, but i thought its only two days..and in my defense it was 20 degrees in Istanbul, little did I expect it to be around 9 in Sofia..) and less in the mountains of Vitosha..This is one trip you can't miss!!!!! Finding one's way around the trams and buses is easier then you would think considering the map is in Latin letters but all the signs in Cyrillic! There is a beautiful half hour teleferik (hmm is this english) through the mountains, and being autumn the leaves were changing color and the fresh clean smell..I will admit that all through Sofia there was a freshness in the air, especially coming from Istanbul..We missed that a lot, its especially great to drink hot chocolate or coffee..My god can they drink coffee!! and Espresso shots, like in France. Imagine my surprise when I got charged each time I asked for more milk!! Unfortunately due to fog and extreme cold, we only managed to get to the mountain about 2000 metres find a tiny little cafe post open, like the old log cabin ones you see on tv, buy something warm, and go back down again. But it was definetly worth it!! So, back to Sophia, we came across an amazing little church not mentioned in the guide book, Shane had you seen it. It was in an underpass, in the middle of the street, from the 11th century but the frescos were from the 15th century. Of course dome shaped, incidently I'd like to read up on dome shaped churches I haven't too much experience with them, any advice would be appreciated. It was called St.Petka of the Saddlemakers..very warm and cosy dark with a lot of the frescos intact..but we couldnt figure out exactly which scenes they were. Unfortunately photographs were not allowed. Yes, I saw the 5th century church by the archeological museum, St.George Rotunda, and the roman ruins in front of it. We happened to pass by on Sunday and there was a mass. We also managed to catch Sunday Mass for St.Sophia cathedral. The architecture is amazing, its exactly like a mosque, and the acoustics..wow...the choir was excellent. But the service was strange, and I've been to Greek Orthodox services before, but this was all done with their backs to the congregation. I thought that was only done in old Latin masses?? Another interesting church was the Russian Orthodoks church, it has a basement where someone sorry not sure who, passed away, and its famous for performing miracles...hmmm. We skipped the natural history museum, and the national gallery, sorry maybe another time..However we did manage just because it was on our way to see what is labeled the "ugliest sculpture in Sofia" (truly it is) The Monument to the Bulgarian State,it was built in 1981 and started to literally fall to pieces and no one wants to foot the bill..(sculpture in background in photo)We stayed nearer to the train station, on a street called Pop Bogomil, in a small hostel, called The Rooms, really its in a quiet area which we first thought was too far, however no, its 10 mins by tram, and 20 mins to walk to the monuments, which is fine..it was a nice little hostel, with heat the next day, it got colder, breakfast on cake(like spongecakes topped with jam, and carrot cake) and best of all fresh coffee on a little electric grill- Shane, the little perculators italian style, I bought one, my souvenir from Bulgaria!!) We definetly want to go back, especially to Plovdiv, which should be amazing. Luckily its not too long,6-8 hours by bus. Depends really on the border crossings..Anne wants to do bike across the fields and see all the monasteries, hmm I wish I could, but not enough stamina!! smiling, but seeing one or two little villages would be great. Unfortunately my next long holiday is in end of January through February.. hmm though I might need to sled through the snow perhaps ??? smiling...
The only other comment that I will make is on the advertising..it really is sex based. Look at a photograph of Sisley clothing and you see a couple erotically kissing,(not about to kiss as in most adverts-this is a huge poster on tram line) a woman in a skimpy skirt and tight shirt on top of or near a car,and no its not a mechanics magazine, but an advert for clothing..sex shops all around even in the street signs in every neighborhood..yes its in every country, but really this stood out, especially since its mostly the women who are portrayed as objects..okay okay I stop..smiling..
p.s.will post pictures but the connection is too slow now.

We're off we're off...

to Sofia we will go..No work, no children...!!! Hopefully no rain as well..smiling..the weather has been grey and cloudy for the past few days..maybe affects my mood, but a little green frog has informed me that all might change..

Karma anyone?

Whenever I am really happy there seems to be something to mar it.. But anyway yes I'm happy most of the time, although for the past few days I've begun worrying about my age(again)-and my lack of planning for anything! Really sometimes I'm amazed at myself. Okay, there is no use crying over spilled milk or complaining about it, it changes nothing, but it's fascinating...how time flies..and time can never be enough sometimes.
Life in Istanbul in the evenings and weekends is enjoyable. Warm weather,(amazing we are still wearing shorts) someone making me crepe!! for dinner, (of course with chocolate!!), reading by the seaside, (a favorite enjoyable past time, while the weather holds, with fish that jump and seagulls that make a huge amount of noise)rollerblading to get some excercise by the sea- sigh what will we do when winter really comes I dont know..but for now..although I've been ignoring a few friends now that I've started working, just feel like excluding myself, though I know its not good...just not enough time( or want)..smiling..We are off to Bulgaria for the weekend (yea long weekend!!) so although I was never interested, (yes shane) it is close, cheap and surprisingly interesting now that I saw the guide book so any advice on where to visit would be appreciated (by thursday)..
Off to dinner, stay well all...and hug and kiss to those of you who know...

Time got away from me....

Okay, working and no internet at home..well time got away from me! Sorry to all...
So, I've been working with "little bundles of joy" for one month now, just got paid!! Thank you! I've survived..with minor war wounds..a COLD the first week. But I am learning patience and it is a good learning experience. I've also learned to appreciate 10ms of just quiet before the second storm!!And NO this does not mean that I am now qualified to do free babysitting!!! smiling..Otherwise, time passes very quickly, and by evening I'm tired..It's amazing how precious weekends have become. However, I have managed thanks to a good friend..to go to the 10th Biennal festival, here, and see some interesting exhibitions, photographs, modern Art sculptures and short films..AS well as some interesting German films subtitled of course, for free!! surprise surprise...I'm quite happy with my present living arrangements, although, come winter it will be interesting with no central heating..We are learning to live together though generally I don't think there is any major problems..However like everything else in life, it takes compromise on both sides. Do I regret anything-no..just that time moves too fast sometimes! I've brought rollerblades and until this illness..sigh..have taken to rollerblading in Asia,(laughing) for approx 10km. while Anne either runs or bikes...of course I've also taken my first fall or two!! but its good, we go early in the morning before 9am..yes I can get up! And the boat ride is amazing and relaxing for the spirit...I usually spend my weekends just reading by the Bosphorous..luckily the weather has been strange and its warm!! Not complaining..at the moment. So, Shane and Aurore, hope you two are adjusting to life together, and hope we see each other soon...stay well all, know that you are in my thoughts even if I cannot write.

Feeling good...

I've found time to sit on this wonderful terrace, with light music coming from the restaurant across the street, oddly enough similiar to the Moulin Rouge..it's a bit chilly and no stars out tonight, but really meditative and a bonus to have in this city.
Despite all the little (big)problems happening in Istanbul..intercity buses starting to allow for prayer breaks..or so the newspapers have stated..I've been a bit busy with my new job and some personal experiences..Having forgotten how little 3year olds were, I was in for a surprise, as well as how much microbes that those little buggers carry!!! I'm still smiling, which says a lot for my state of mind. Being in a healthy and supportive environment is good for the moral..
So does every good thing that happens to you, come with a price? For the first time I am not thinking of the future but living in the present. Living in Istanbul you develop a lack of privacy..wandering around the house naked you happen to forget just how close the windows are..oops...As well as the noise..my neighbors child decided that at 11pm he wanted to sing!! loud enough for all the world to hear..as well as the ladies who never sleep, sitting on the doorstep-some on an old couch, eating sunflower seeds, till the wee hours in the morning, of course! their conversation drifts through the open window..which because of the heat is impossible to close. But the best!!! (this happens all around Istanbul) are the ladies living on the top floors, yelling for the 'market' boy, who takes their order usually bread, juice, or a forgotten vegetable, for which a basket is lowered-through the window-the requested items placed inside and the basket is raised back through the window... all in a days work.
However, la vie est belle, and at this moment I am enjoying every minute of it, thank you! thank you! thank you.. un petit bisou...

Ahh I found two books!!in my friends used bookstore, one on the sociological aspect of gender studies, written in 75 but still interesting, the other called Sexual Politics, a classic or so I've been told..ahhh...my luck is changing for the better. Laughing I've been told 2008 is the year of the Rat, and it will be a good year for us, in more ways then one..

Where am i?

I sit in my favorite Belgian cafe(a small luxury which I granted myself), Le Pain Quotidien, drinking heavenly coffee out of little bowls, with light jazz music playing in the background and New Yorkers talking in the background-light skinned African Americans smiling and laughing enjoying life, making ME smile,.. however this is NOT New York, no, it is in a modern, very chic, open planned mall that could be located in Rome, or Milan, but its in Istanbul.. It is hard to understand really, the huge gap between the secular luxury loving, comfortable living walking around the streets of New York as they are in Milan, or Istanbul, with the AKP regime, who are integrating into the very heart of the system. The educational system, social system, where, on Friday's if you do not go to mosque you are ostracized, and fundamentally forced to comply whether or not you believe. I usually sit outside in little sidewalk tea cafe's one of which happens to be under a mosque. It is an old cafe which has been there for at least 30years. This past year I've watched as slowly the sound system which projects the voice of the muezzin,(prayer) has gotten louder. To the degree in which you cannot talk, and although people have complained it is for nought. Looking into the faces of the young men who go to Friday prayer (which is compulsory for a muslim male-so I've been told) they are fresh and innocent, 11,15, early 20's and I feel a sense of pity-of course it is all relavent. They seem quite happy with their lives, having known little else, but looking at the increase of head scarves and the decrease of real opposition, it makes me wonder what Istanbul will look like in 20years. However for now, I can still enjoy looking around me and seeing only western faces...

So...I haven't written...

Spending time down south, I was able to relax, and think (maybe too much according to a few!) But, I realized that home is where the heart is, cliche though it might be. Right now a part of my heart is in Istanbul, and that means putting up with a few difficulties for the moment , such as a regime which is the opposite of what I'm used to. Conservative, and limiting to women, with men in the forefront of everything. Honor killings are still a huge issue, and economic life here is making people more and more short tempered. However,this regime IS what most people in Istanbul are used to and want, and unfortunate though it may be to most of us they will elect Gul. He is a representative of the people. So what do those of us who aren't part of this do, well we either bury our heads in the sand and hope for a miracle continueing to live a life which is in a way a cocoon against reality: western type clothing, bars, cliche's and all. Click our tongues and shake our heads (as our mothers are want to do) over where the country is heading and fear for their children..or run away. If you've lived abroad for a certain amount of time, its very difficult to find someone who "thinks" like you do. My friend and I were talking as we floated along in the water, lazing...and I thought back to my past relationships and what I wanted in a relationship now, and as I listed the basics.." enjoys life, laughter, doesn't bring wear me down with negativity, pushes me to do more as well as themselves etc" I found she was shaking her head in agreement, and she realized how difficult that will be with a turkish male. It's just not in their cultural upbringing..how sad..but then I started wondering if it was in any male society?? Should I start doing male gender studies instead and find out? Having just now read an article in IHT about how married women with children wish they had a wife..at home as well. How difficult it is to actually have children and a career, whereas men seem to prosper with a wife at home, wives seem to stress and lose job opportunities. Sometimes I think I shouldn't worry about probably not having children..which is my supposed cultural role in life...sigh, good thing I like to be controversial a bit.

la vie est belle and the life is short...

Considering these two options, it's best to grab life with both hands? no? So, excuse me if I do what makes me happy and content, however hard it is to do in Turkey. This is a collectivist culture as my psychology master friend Su tells me. Therefore this means(in my humble opinion of course) that everybody and anybody will intrude, remark, exclaim and basically interfere in your life because well they know better and they mean well..and trying to be different or just yourself is a bit difficult. It's also interesting to see how different people view you, and the criticism about your character etc...hmmm I seem to be selfish and ungrateful, unstable a bit too in my choices in life - of course according to some, maybe it's true, I guess depending on whose side you are looking at it from..for me well, I tend to look at it from a more positive aspect, everything I've done has helped me grow and learn, and my life has been anything but monotonous..what is wrong with doing what makes you happy??so, right now I am pleased to be where I am and look forward to where I will be in the future.. under which sky who knows, Australia, France, U.S....

Looking up at the sky the stars are the same,
for you, for me, for the past centuries...
how many lovers stared into their depths,
lost, entranced, bewitched by their sheer numbers..
only to see a shooting star, one whose soul has died,
yet undiscouraged a wish is made...of love...of hope..

Two different aspects of the same view..

me in Bodrum...enjoying some live music

irresistable....

2 months old ohhhhh...if only...

Grateful...

Okay...sometimes it pays to be grateful for the little things..like watching a pink sunset settle over grey mountains, framed by green pine trees- and being able to relax and know that life isn't so bad after all. Having spent about two weeks encased with my family-brother and nieces, along with a few friends, I realized how "free" I really am, and how much I have to be grateful for. Talking to a cousin I also realized how much I've experienced(and continue to experience) and grow as a person, whereas others get stuck and struggle to cope within a small world. Trying to find a way to escape- yet being tied down with responsibilities of marriage, children and possibly the worse of all their own lack of self confidence, that they will survive outside....People keep telling me I'm strong..but, I don't see it that way, we only have one life to live, why make it more complicated?? The basic necessity (besides love-sorry guys, it still makes me smile-what controversy!!) is happiness..but love comes in many forms-passion,respect, comradery..if we are lucky we get all three in one person...
Ahh sorry small digression but the landscape has turned from pink to shades of grey..there really is beauty in nature, if we only stop to take a look...and a deep breath..It's sad to see someone you care for in pain or living a life which is filled with more negatives then positives...especially when they are younger then you..

If not to listen to me when I speak,
why are you here,
If not to comfort me when I'm sad,
what use are you to me,
laughter, a powerful tool,
lost with the passage of time..how long has it been??
Be my friend as well as my lover,
otherwise we can't survive!
Why continue if we are only two machines,
traversing the same path, the same routine on automatic, where sex becomes just another chore!
If in the end this is what we become, grant me the strength to leave...for this is not a life.

Su's interesting photo of me..

on a day trip around my part of town..

an old English prison tower-the building is less interesting, turned hospital. Curious about the year..and the view..

Laughing..sorry for the confusion..

I freely admit that at times my life takes strange twists and turns, but that is what makes life interesting. At the last minute, I've found a job which might turn into something interesting, it's teaching english at a day care, but the owners are into all kinds of interesting activities,(music therapy,drama etc..) and have a good educational background as well as doing this job for 16years, and no, they are young -early 40's female. So I'm actually excited and nervous!! However, I'm also staying for a few personal reasons as well..smiling...so everything happens for a reason and I'm just following the flow...
Therefore....I'm in Istanbul for a year in case anyone is interested, and NO I have not given up on the phd, just will work on all the paperwork and applications etc from here..hopefully it will all work out.

Smiling..

So true...

By Hélène Cixous
"How can we finish a book, a dream"
What happens at the end of a text? Here again we have much to learn from what dreams, our masters, do with us; the author is in the book as we are in the dream's boat. We always have the belief and the illusion that we are the ones writing, that we are the ones dreaming. Clearly this isn't true. We are not having the dream, the dream has us, carries us, and, at a given moment, it drops us, even if the dream is in the author in the way the text is assumed to be. What we call texts escape us as the dream escapes us on waking, or the dream evades us in dreams. We follow it, things go at top speed, and we are constantly -- what a giddy and delicious sensation! -- surprised. In the dream as in the text, we go from one amazement to another. I imagine many texts are written completely differently, but I am only interested in the texts that escape.

From Three Steps on the Ladder of Writing (New York: Columbia University Press, 1993) 98.

For a moment..

I had forgotten what it was like to live for the moment, to accept changes when they happen and ..Not to worry about time, I'm grateful I remembered to relax again at the last moment!! Life should be full of surprises..preferably good ones.

The world is full of angels..

Again and again I repeat the litany,
La vie est belle, again and again, it has no beginning or end.
Full of promise, full of hope,
A sweet promise of trust, guardians of a fragile being...easily broken, not easily mended..yet, without whose existence life is very mechanical, a daily routine...life is grey.
Share your trust with me and see a world that is full of laughter.. no longer grey but light and airy, trees of green, seas that burst over the sides too strong to contain.
Believe that life still has promise, hope and really life can be beautiful..no longer alone help me believe in possibilities..

Life is to be lived...

There is a poem by Cahit Sitki Taranci-which he wrote when he was 35 years old, and in it he says that 35 is "yolun yarisi" meaning half way to the grave, and he describes how he doesn't recognize himself in the mirror-who's wrinkles are those, where is my youth...maybe he was right for if I remember correctly he died young. But if those people I met yesterday, who said our thoughts form our world, are correct then....

On July 22nd I shall be..35 years old..wow! BUT unlike him, I enjoy my age! I'm stronger and happier in my 30's (to those few friends I have who are actually under 30 smiling). And unlike him, I can look in the mirror without flinching..(thanks to good genes and maybe a more positive outlook at life) We all feel regret etc and days when things feel wrong..but they have to come and go...I'm lucky...truly..I have very good friends, who keep me grounded. Some more than others make me fly and feel sometimes too much..smiling...and laugh, and laugh, till I have tears coming out of my eyes..Thank you..such a simple saying but it means a lot. But life is meant to be lived and enjoyed! There is no time for long regrets or what ifs..At least not for me, so yes 35 may be half way but it's positive and a time for new beginnings and new adventures! So, my friends for those who read this- I declare for my birthday, I will make a wish and not keep it to myself, but for all of you as well....

I wish for health...without which nothing is really possible..
I wish for days filled with inane laughter, laughter till your sides ache, tears roll out of your eyes and you can't catch your breath!-I'm sure there are hormones that are released...amazingly relaxing..
I wish for peaceful, quiet days, next to the one you love-just reading,or knowing that person is near enough to touch...-simple things, a look, or a slight touch, can make you shiver....
I wish for internal fulfillment-with work, study or research, because without which I've come to realize its not enough..
I wish for time!- yes..time, time to travel, to see the world...and enjoy the one you love-there are so many different ways..smiling..sigh!!. Time, may be my one concession to getting older.

One day I hope to be somewhere in this world, where we could possibly all meet!! How I will make this happen I don't know but...somehow I will..as you can see we are stretched out quite a bit..and this list may be incomplete -laughing old age...makes my mind forget..but you all hold different places in my heart..

Shane-Aurore (yes I will write you together as you've become in life..happy for you!!)(Australia)
Helio-(Portugal)- gender studies anyone!! smiling..yes..
Anne (France or??) my confidant...will always find you..
Lara (U.S) my lost best friend..sorry that I cannot be there for you, when you need me.
Genevieve..(Canada)-my spiritual advisor who gives me hope...hope you are enjoying traveling...
Erik...(U.S.)-keeps me on my toes..U.S.politics and surprises..
Saskia..(Holland)with two beautiful kids...omar and djimila...and its been 11years now..
Carro-(Sweden) Hej!!! some invisible connection I'm sure!!my baking partner..
Alex- (Sweden-London?)along with Egil of course!!! couldn't have managed without you..will write soon..
Nadine( Zurich or Dublin..hmm-good luck and may you find a place in this world)
Helen (Sweden)- keep writing..the world needs journalists..
Kaira (Scotland)..Orbit as well...sweetheart hope you are well..haven't heard from you in a long time!!
Ilgen and Sebahat (Istanbul) old friends...ten years on wish you both happiness!!
Su!!!-( Istanbul,New York, Spain..??)-good luck my friend in establishing yourself..not easy.

life is never so simple...

As it seems...I've come to realize that in order to have some peace and independence you need to have money, yes okay, maybe I'm a bit late in realizing this...but after having an interesting arguement 2 against 1, with my brother and mother, I've realized that everyone has a different tolerance level, and some none at all..In order to have some peace in this life, and live it the way you choose then, yes, monetary independence is a must...My mother just got a taste of an arguement in gender studies, and considering my quite logical and calm reaction to topics which she couldn't understand, (as well as my brother) I've realized that it is best not to bring up these topics (I just get a headache)...smiling ruefully...She asked if this is what I plan on studying as a phd anyone want to guess the answer...Really, they don't know me very well at all...sigh!! Je suis tres tetue...

I met two people from Dublin,they were here for a "breath therapy" conference (interesting, learning to breathe) and as I helped them find the modern art museum in Tophane, they explained that the main philosophy behind the therapy is, " Our thoughts form the world around us"

hmmmm...i think i like that idea..

Beauty in nature....

A gentle caress, my hand strokes the blooms ever so...softly,

colors both pale and delicate beneath my fingers,

Fragile, resilient my fingers skim over the contours..

eyes closed,

I find a single rose mixed amongst the hydrangeas,

her petals closed, forcing me to have patience, the softness

easily bruised, as I discover the hidden secrets she keeps..

family reunion...

You know you are getting older, when boys become men, and you can remember changing their diapers!(my cousins) hmmm 18 years have passed...so maybe this crazy "abla" can broaden a few horizons and show them that life is worth experiencing to the fullest!

No longer lost...

Once again I'm drawn back into gender studies (sorry Shane!) but spending time with a friend, I realize HOW much society's dictates are ingrained in all of us. It's a startling revelation! Shane, I know you much prefer history however, this is living history. Have you ever had to make a decision where only your mind stopped you..but even then your arguements to yourself were lame?

What gives us the right to impose boundaries, rules regulations on emotions? Why should a simple label placed during the 19th century (by men) pyschoanalysts, immediately grant stigmatization and create...a difference? A right and wrong way to bestow our emotions?? Limits on what kind of love (maternal, sexual..)may be given to and to whom....it's so bloody simple!! IF only people would accept and let it be...How can you say it's wrong to care about a living human being, to make them laugh, and want to be with them....Live Love and Learn..back to my first entries..if only let ourselves relax and live.

I grant that this form of argument has been made by many academics, but as it's a sore issue with me, it deserves to be repeated!

la vie est belle!!

Some things in life come unexpectedly...and it's up to you to realize this and have the courage to take advantage of them-no matter how long they last...I've just realized how many social and cultural boundaries we place on our selves...but if we take a long hard look then, they come up truly empty..

Take advantage of life, and enjoy it while you can, for you never know what tomorrow may bring..

La vie est belle- merci madame anne pour tes conseils...

Sunny days are here...

Hello all..

The sun is shining, and I'm probably off on a new adventure towards the end of summer. San Francisco is calling my name..so, wish me luck. It's a logical choice, lots of uni's, sun, sea...cafe's. As close to Europe as I'm going to get..So this is me standing by an old house, bit more of me to love now..sigh..hoping to lose them soon!!! smiling..

Enjoy the day my friends, tout commence par des reves!

Fantasy to reality,

To state a simple fact, I miss this desperately.

What is this world coming to...

I know I sound like somebody's grandmother but seriously! I was talking with a friend in France, and discussing the finer points of French politics..smiling-Thinking how most French people when asked said they wouldn't vote for Sarkozy, he's too stubborn,opinionated etc..But, the fact that he was going to win was visible. Survival of the fittest, when all is said and done, people want a tough, macho, no holds barred kind of politician. Otherwise Bayrou would have fit the bill. Now we have a world, which has Bush...sigh..Sarkozy..in Turkey, well we can't seem to find a non religious candidate or non nationalist..both ends of the extreme, and well wonder what's going to happen in the UK, with Blair! ahh well, at least thinking of politics and all the riots we can expect has put my present jobless state out of my mind for a bit..

Small world...

Once again, I've been amazed at just how small this world actually is! Or are we really tied together with invisible threads, which reconnect us to people that we've met so long ago..People with which we have established a good or.. (bad) energy. I found a friend who happened to sit at my table at a cafe, a friend that I met oh..ten years ago, through another friend. So, we picked up where we left off..someone else to visit in Europe..someone else who agrees with me, that New York isn't someplace that you want to grow old in. But then again neither is Istanbul...but thats another story..

Nostalgia...

Okay guys,

I sometimes hate looking through old photos. I've gotten nostalgic for Sweden, but for the times we had, not just for the place itself..
Ofvandahls!! A must to anyone who goes to Uppsala, however I warn in advance it can become extremely addictive!!!

Everything comes with a price..

even freedom..With one swoop of my keyboard I have cut myself free, but what have I lost..financial freedom in lieu of peace of mind. Which should have greater say..Ah well I drag my stress around like a ball and chain. I need to like what I do, where I work..sigh..I've been spoiled I know. A wonderful friend told me to travel take photo's and write! Oh how tempting that does sound..to be pulled between trying to act my age (which I still haven't managed to do) and being faithful to myself which leaves me virtually pennyless..well, something will turn up it must once again..Live love and learn...one is supposed to learn from one's mistakes..

and yet...

Like a lover even the most complacent can be pushed too far! Sigh..
My boss assumes the role of patron yet it is not in me to be submissive,
soon- my rebellious nature will take over and I will be once more out of work...
Sweet is the sun shining on my face, filtered through the few remaining branches..calming in the mist of horns and traffic jams that fill the bus stop.

Pleasure and pain..

Love, hate relationship..my job has taken on these qualities..it changes from hour to hour..but like a lover who returns to her abusive husband, I return to my job. Words are the key, whispering words of love, she (he) stays..as for me whispering words I want to hear,,travel, relocation and money..dare me to stay. Sighing I wait for the final blow, or in my case not getting my first paycheck..yet, what do I fear more, that I will and prolong this agony or that I wont...

So this is what it means..

I'm learning patience...I'm learning what it means to be an adult..I'm learning to do a job that bores me to death (but I'm capable of doing it with little thought), for little pay because I have no choice. I'm learning to stick with it, even though the creative side of me rebels, because I have no choice. I need to work and survive on my own two feet..so this is what it means to grow up. I thought that long ago when I left the bank, idealistic and free, that my life would change around..but fate or destiny has a way of shaking her finger, and getting back at you. The most interesting side of it is, this is Istanbul..will I even be able to GET my pay..now that is quite normal here presumably, but then I 'd have my excuse...grinning ruefully..

any resemblance....

Mom's 70th birthday..bad photo of me but thought great one of my dad..and well, very serious family photo! smiling

Smiling..the world has potential again..

Okay for all the time i have whinged and moaned,
felt sorry for myself and needed to let the world know,
i now feel content. I've taken a risk and invested in a challenge,
one that can either fall flat on my face or turn out in my favor.
I work long hours and keep busy doing ten things at once, but
it's not monotonous-
no social life but who knows life is turning out to be very interesting..

Feeling useful...

it's amazing how important it is to feel useful, to know that you are a making a difference -
this need not be something huge, like finding the cure for cancer, but just figuring out little details that someone else missed-and feeling in control, another thing that was lacking in my life..As usual I'm being stubborn and taking risks. Believing in something, someone, when most people tell me not to! I've been wrong before, and this can't turn into one of those, I can't eat crow here...too many I told you so's! Just once I WANT to be right! where do i go if i'm wrong..not going to think of that yet..I need this too much, I hadn't realized how much. It feels good to be in my element...even if that is just as an assistant..

Working, reading and sitting quietly in a corner writing with a glass of wine, Quietly alone being the prominent word here..I miss that as well, so for all of my friends out there, enjoying sitting in a quiet house, with no one to bother them enjoy it. I've lived in other peoples houses for 8 months i'm damn tired of it...i'm not that social or family oriented.

Hmmm the weather is at least holding out, sun, sea and light chilly breezes..

Will post pictures of my mother's 70th birthday party later..went out to eat.

Stay well....

so there is always a brighter side..

Sometimes it takes a while to see it, it gets lost amongst the fog and despair. The difference comes with some financial independence-even if it's not much. Working is good for the soul, it keeps away the memories, the what if's, if only's..immersed in work you lose track of time. I know that it's better to be alone than to be with someone for the wrong reasons. I've been there and I've recently found out I like being independent and not answering to anyone for my actions..So, tomorrow I start working..wish me luck.

Have I given in?

Has the need to find work clouded my judgement? I've accepted a job which I know I can do, for a ridiculously low amount of money..it's something to keep me sane, but why do i feel as if i've given in?? Given in to societies dictates and accepted a job that will bore me to death! Sigh...the need to balance getting old and needing security with enjoying life while you are still young..Having ideals and goals and being able to achieve them!
The complexities of life and love...

we are not always what we seem...

little by little my strength deserts me,

replaced by a fatigue that infiltrates my soul.

watching the sun slide away,

my heart senses nothing but its basic function.

the sun leaves behind a chill wind, which suits me as it slices me in two.

once open will it finally reveal a heart of stone?

Fits my mood...

crossing the continents on the ferry-istanbul

Apology to all

I've been trying to post photos since the 14th of March but there seems to be a problem-hopefully i will find a way to fix it! Getting annoyed!

Look what I've become...

Searching for work has become a combination of prostitution,
begging and luck.
Although I've begged,chatted and just about used every form of charm (except one)smiling..
still no luck. There is only one thing I can't do! It's make a pest out of myself.
Yes..that's probably why I'm still sitting here! Therefore what's a girl to do??
Continue to believe in the jobfairy??Laughing..
Wouldn't that be nice, a near cousin of the toothfairy perchance.
Someone flitting around leaving little acceptance applications in your email-rather than money under your pillow!
Laughing..yes it's now official, I've lost what little sense I had...
If found please return to sender..

Effect of sunlight..

Weaving in and out of the crowd, sunlight glints off the metal tray-
deftly handled by steady hands-
Hypnotized by its motions, I continue to watch..What binds me to this place? Warm sun heats my back, my eyes close almost asleep.. A muezzin reads the afternoon prayers, harsh and loud it breaks my stupor. Calling the faithful it has the reverse affect on me. A gypsy woman asks to read my palm, dare I? Would it make a difference?
Isn't it we who determine our fate? We who change our destiny according to our past decisions..So, no, there isn't anyone to blame but ourselves. Resigned to her fate she gracefully accepts a donation while I get up to leave, leaving behind the sunlight.

All the world's a stage,

and we are merely players...
in the process of searching for work,
this could never be more true.
Never knowing where the opportunity may be,
the actors take the stage.
Socializing, smiling, making eye contact,
in a store,a bar, or in my case
a cafe.
Polite conversation flows from one person to the next-
exchange of emails, that's the present trend. No longer-
the use of phones. They are seen as too personal -
the sound of a human voice,
far more difficult to refuse-
Whereas an email-is easy to ignore.
Once again,smiling, laughing-
considered too social by some,yet-
those who have jobs have forgotten the struggle behind the mask.
They sit content, safe at their desks. Dissatisfied they grumble, yet
no one makes a move to leave.
Afraid that one day they too will once again have to search and socialize.
All the world's a stage and we are merely players...
lost in our own neverending circle we struggle to survive.

Don't fence me in...

Porter had the right of it..
The cafe by the sea has become my haven
hidden away from reality, hot tea and the world at my fingertips.
A sea of faces accompanied by greetings, acquaintances that stay inside this sphere of plastic and wooden chairs.
Murmur of voices some raised to cacophonic heights during the day.
At night the sound of wooden chips slammed against the backgammon board,
shuffling of newspapers-replaced by the creaking of boats against the waves.
Safe..a place to run to-when I have no place to run.
Wandering nomad I called myself. I couldn't have been more accurate...
At times, I'm walking a thin line
j'ai besoin un gros calin but alas not just from anybody!

Whose afraid of the big bad wolf??

What are we afraid of in this world? I asked myself this, havıng just read an article on once again the inclusion of gay children's books in Germany and Britain. http://www.spiegel.de/international/spiegel/0,1518,archiv,00.html) Societies, in general, inflict so many stigmas and boundaries on how we should live our lives. The article went on to state that the children themselves were fine with the idea, but it was the parents that were getting worried. Isn't the whole purpose of marriage,relationships or whatever you call it-two people uniting in a show of love. We seem to mix up the act of sex with a person's sexual orientation. And I daresay that is the first thing people think of when they hear of a gay couple. Can someone tell me why, when we change the gender of the penetrator does it become an issue? Who are we to judge how two people have sex! God knows there are those out their that get aroused by strange fetishes, and isn't anal penetration prevalent in heterosexual relationships as well?? Just as well, I'm sure if anyone reads this , they will say that sex isn't the problem, but isn't it? What else is different then? If we take the act of sex out of it, how do you rationalize denying two people their fundamental rights?-love, security,children-yes children! (my own mother disagrees with me on this point) People argue it is against nature- Haven't we seen hundreds of documentaries on monkeys, and forgive me for not remembering the breed, but there are those that penetrate just about anything when they are in the mood. The females congregate in same sex groups feeding each others children, cleaning each other and basically only use the males to procreate. Hmmm..
I just think that we have to take our head out of the sand! There are children out there who have a gay parent, or have two mommies etc..so wouldn't accepting this as ( i hate to use this word-forgive me) but normal just make life easier for everyone. Besides which this isn't a preference, one cannot just switch one's feelings like they do chocolate and we all know how much good denying does?? All those historians out there-Helio and myself included, can tell you homosexuality has been around and intends to stay! There are so many other problems out there in this world that argueing about a persons sexuality seems ridiculous, take global warming for instance...and not falling in love again! smiling..

Empowered I like that word..

14th C.Walrus tooth chess piece-Gotland Museum

It has an interesting ring to it! Being interested in literature I know that words have a power on their own and this was one word I never considered 'empowered'. A friend of mine used it in describing her state of being in her current relationship. What does it take to feel that way?? I asked myself and came up with this basically,

if you can walk away from a relationship without getting hurt (too badly) then you are empowered.
if you can leave a job at a moments notice-
if you can wake up in the morning and smile for no reason-look at the sky and enjoy the beauty of the day-then life hasn't gotten you down you are empowered.
if you have options that allow you to change your life whether or not you use them, knowing that they are there-
most important if you can look back at your life and not feel too much regret (it's impossible not to feel any) and smile then.....

And right now, I feel empowered, jobless I might be but not without hope and choices seem to be popping up every day now. I've also begun to realize that I've lead an interesting life which I should be proud of....

A day in Bebek Kahvesi...

Sitting by the sea in a crowded cafe, filled with the cacophony of dice and smoke-roll, slam, drop to the floor. Curse,crawl on hands and knees in search of the lost culprit. Backgammon, a game that goes back centuries, to be played during times of stress and relaxation. Lulled by the sound and smoke my mind wanders..time ceases to exist. Yet my heart still aches..a sign that I'm not dead yet. Do I believe in coincidence? Destiny? Someone I've just met,says don't give up-Yigilma...dare to believe in your dreams. Why when I've almost given up, do I get a second chance-from friends and strangers alike? Made to sound so simple, tout commence par des reves! My own motto, comes back to haunt me! Tea flows from tray to table-a never ending tide, strong, dark and unmistakably Oriental, a tradition as old as the game. To have what you want, what do you have to give up? Photos displayed on the wall for others to see and enjoy, a testimony to a life spent traveling..live,learn and love. Is life really so simple?

Some things never change..or can they?

I am happy to be known as Auntie Aylin to my friends son, nicknamed Orbit a beautiful soul, who as a child only wanted a kiss-cuddle...he's now, in the seventh grade in Scotland and as a quiet child, growing up can be quite difficult. Interestingly enough, the highlands of Scotland are not the quiet idyllic places that we or at least I assumed them to be. On my one and only visit two years back (time flies) I was introduced to bullies, unemployment, underage and overage drinking, drugs and single mothers..If looked at simplistically, it can be narrowed down to the fact that there isn't anything to do-my friend was trying to organize a recreation center to keep the local kids busy, but all this takes community effort and one person's drive. It's truly a hopeless situation because there is only so much you can do..and these kids are supposed to be the next generation, how? when teachers spend more time in trying to control them then teaching them, since when did we need security guards in schools to protect the teachers from the kids! I know everyone knows all this and its nothing new, yet, I still feel it's important enough to remind everyone once again..it's hard to imagine life can be any different if that's all that you are used to..so how do we change it! The only way I can is to be around to offer support and an ear to listen if these kids need anything..

Learning to let go..

Who would have thought that, letting go was the hardest part?
Guard your heart is what they say-
but how can you live that way?
Someone, tell me how to stop these thoughts..
Just when everything feels under control,
Two cats screech in the distance echoing my thoughts -
Piercing my brain, I will it to stop.
I cannot believe that I’ve lost the battle before it’s begun.
It’s not in me to give up, so please tell me why-

letting go is the hardest part?

Spring is in the Air

Okay, I must admit,we haven't had much of a winter at least in Istanbul (which I'm aware is bad for the environment and truly am worried) but....it's beautiful to have the sun shining and birds chirping! Makes me feel like I can conquer the world again.. Smiling (Now if only I could lose those extra pounds..sigh) Life actually feels good, found a great bookstore where I can sit and read books (in english!) in the store and what a selection from Art to History.. as well as free internet..hmm I'm in heaven-smiling. Sometimes, this city doesn't cease to amaze me. In some ways Istanbul feels like New York, coffee-cafe's- English on the streets,expensive stores. However, that lasts as long as you don't look too carefully..then you venture into unstable politics, social reforms, a youth lost between western and middle eastern culture.. Also, it will be interesting to see what the work environment will have to offer-alas if I can ever get into it not to mention the social...
p.s. Thanks for the insightful comment made my day!

Life has a funny way of making you eat your words!

Never say “never” is what a friend of mine told me a while ago..seems he was right! But in a completely different context.
I had my heart set on getting out of Istanbul- or was it that I was trying to get away period..If I’m honest that was more of the issue, however after a short but fruitful trip to Europe, I’ve realized that at the moment I’m better off in Istanbul- running away is always possible, but right now I don’t have the energy to start all over again. I want roots..yes I’ve said it, I dare to want “normality”-picket fence and all..(in Istanbul that will be hard to find!)
Although I’ve been accused of getting to old, that is just a misconception (dare someone tell me otherwise.) It’s a stereotype that needs to be gotten rid of –age is what you feel! So, long story short, I’ve started a new search through some friends of mine for work..I’ve also started to put my photos in some order, and maybe find someplace to display them, a restaurant, gallery etc..why not..These are some of the advantages of living in Istanbul.

Sitting by the sea, (finally free internet!)the weather is overcast and windy with waves crashing against the wall-but amazingly beautiful and calming. An old man about 80 walks into the café, wearing his camel coat and beret! We also have two young men sporting “rastas” and beards, an eclectic mix, and the never ending tea!..oops forgot to mention the black Labrador who wanders in and around the chairs…
I’m a bit more relaxed now that I’ve decided to stay in one place, Genvieve if you read this you were right, life pulls you like a leaf in the wind, you never know where you will end up, with whom, or sometimes without whom…
Sometimes giving up and letting go, is the only thing left to do! So my friends I’m trying to close a chapter in my life, but its about the hardest thing I’ve done in a long, long time..and no, you don’t get wiser with age, just cling harder...
So for those of you who are wondering, no I haven’t given up on the phd idea but I did put it on hold for the moment. I need to earn money first (no I haven’t just realized this!) Just thought I could get away with doing both at the same time..sorry to be repeating things I feel like a broken record but hey that's my life at the moment..I've stopped making plans, they never work out for me anyway-as SOME friends can attest to, having had first hand experience..smiling hugely! Like some- I thought I could have my cake and eat it too…guess not. But I’m smiling again, if a bit ruefully! Traveling is good for my morale and I'm grateful to all my friends -new and old -that I have scattered about it making it possible!! Hopefully I will have a place of my own one day, so like my mother keep tabs -smiling! You are all welcome..

P.s. If you hadn't noticed I made a radical change to hair and color, and you all know how much I hate photos but no other way..comments welcome- smiling!

Dare I say it...

I am an idealist.

Despite everything I still believe in "happy endings", "love", and

"trying to get what you want in life."Although,

there are times I begin to feel my age,and life starts to feel too short-

I start to wonder if I'm "too late" but for what...To start anew.

That's it, when all is said and done.It's difficult not to be scared and

think that "they" might be right. All those who know better..Yet it's not fair!

I might be too late, but...

I am an idealist..and I want to try..

Tout commence par des reves..it all begins with a dream!

A day spent whinging..

I always thought that one day life would get easier, there would come a time where everything would just fall into place. Why?I don't know! I've come to the conclusion that unless you are one of those lucky people who know what they want to be from the precocious age of 5, most people don't know how they will turn out. Fate and luck play a large part, if born into a semi civilized society that is one point in your favor. I say semi civilized because every society has its own rules and regulations which could be argued for or against. Living in Istanbul at the moment, I've become aware of how indifferent people truly can be. However this can be said about most big cities and I just happen to be here. Sitting in a street cafe drinking tea, waiting for the ferry a gypsy comes up to me. She's old, asking to read my palm, I've blown her off before in one of my "don't give a damn moods" but looking into her eyes I said no thanks, she said she was hungry..so I gave her some change. If you really look at them and touch them its hard not to feel some pity...same thing on the ferry coming back. An old man with one leg is trying to interest the crowd into buying lighters-his face is lined, and tired as if to say doesn't anyone give a damn. It isn't fair really, how much would could either of them earn and at that age..I thought of myself, my family, friends it could happen..you never know. It's the same with romance and love.

Growing up in New York, I read alot, and I still do, hence my becoming an English major. However, sometimes reading can be dangerous and lead you to develop ideals which truly do not exist. Like the myth about "Prince Charming"..hmm riding up on his white horse, or the "happily ever after" with one man (or woman). These dangerous thoughts had most young girls (at least when I was growing up back in the 80's) to primp and shorten their skirts in hopes of attracting him and living out the fantasy. These girls do attract men, in many different shapes and sizes. Many girls, excited by the prospect of a man, settled for the imitation with hopes that some would get better with age. Some seemed quite pleased with themselves and for many years assumed that, getting slapped, degraded, pregnant and cheated on was just part of the new package. How did they know, we never got passed the kiss or riding off into the sunset. So,maybe this was what they deserved, if you tell a girl or boy they're worthless enough times they start believing that. Although I'm not sexist I've taken on the side of the women here, it's just a larger ratio usually in society. Sigh..A never ending cycle..it's hard to escape once you're caught in the middle and it seems impossible to leave. Sadly, this doesn't seem to be a new trend, listening to older people discuss their youthful exploits made me realize that it's always been around. Don't we ever learn?

Another pet peeve of mine happens here in Turkey, as well as in a few other places (non western) arranged marriages and women seen as commodity, to the extent that they get killed.Some young girls in Turkey, try to escape by running away or going to the police. However, as luck would have it, it seems desperately unfair. The guardian arrives properly contrite and the girl, who is usually underage, is released into their custody. Returned to their previous abuse which sometimes leads to death. I despise reading the local newspapers, it details countless accounts of rage murders, jealousy and the most famous "namus"-honor killings. Why is it always a woman's honor, and not a man's? Just once I'd like to read about a woman murdering her husband for dishonoring the family! I cannot understand for the life of me, how one sibling could kill another one, and it is usually the youngest boy who has the honours. (If caught, being a minor he does less or no jail time.) Around the 12th century, the Scandinavians seemed to have the right idea, if a woman was "dishonored",the family was paid a fine and the woman married off at a later time (either to the same man, or someone else). Civilized-she was still seen as property but hell at least she was still allowed to live! What is it with sexuality that has people killing each other?! It is a normal act, which two people engage in and yes male or female. It's my property and I have the right to deal with my body as I see fit! However no, if I was to say that in some parts of the country I would get gang raped probably..It depresses me sometimes to think people should be able to get over it. But no..with all our technology and modernity, human beings still resort to primitive man. Shouldn't we be passed all these issues with sexuality, and just accept people? Lesbians and homosexuals as well..what difference does it make who they love as long as the fact that they do love. Why the desperate need to judge, why can't they just accept it. It doesn't do any harm! Besides which at least speaking for myself, attraction and falling in love, are not conscious choices but more with chemistry and emotions! Therefore trying to force them to be standard, (I hate the term normal ) is a waste of time. This happens all over the world, and it never ceases to amaze me. Sometimes it just seems to be a lack of common sense..maybe despite what I thought life does get easier..at least at the moment it seems that way for me.

In nature we find...

a valley near Urgup, Cappadocia

rocks formed by nature as toys for the gods...delicate yet balanced..incredible.

the cry inside...kathy's lament.

See me for what I am,
love me for what I'm not.
Never leave me standing alone,
needing to see in you
a glimmer of love, just a glance.
Laughter-
lost in a dream, is that it?
Isn't that all this is, life is but a dream,
when in futility it all will end.
Waiting and wanting.. a never ending cycle.

Recovering a piece of my past..

Goreme Museum, Early Christian Church.

Today I recovered a piece of my past-

which ten years had taken in a blur, and

although the body may age,adding a few more lines,a bit of grey,

the soul stays the same -so that

you'd recognize the smile, the voice, no matter how frail the body may become.

Time stills,the years peel away and you still see the person that was left behind,

so many years ago.

There are times when you need to be independent and grow,

however,

it's always nice to have someone who shares your memories,

and remembers the times when you were truly young and naive.

And when in the end you become old and grey, and are left

with photos and distant memories,

how nice it is to sit and chat, and remember those fleeting moments of time

with laughter and a smile.

The discovery of Romeo and Juliet in the strangest of all places...

In the little village of Harran, young Juliet instinctively knew

what to do, with no hesitation, no guile

a little smile and all was lost..

"Should I stay or should I go?" Poor Romeo wondered to himself..

"Do I have a chance?" The age old question..isn't that all we really want?

A chance to be happy, a chance to dream..and a chance to love! In this we take quite a few risks -to find "the" right one..But how do we know? We never really do, do we? As we get older we lose our naivity ,our instinctive trust that it will be alright! People change, love changes-and like Romeo's village friend seems to say..

"Lay your heart open and its bound to get hurt!" but..is the saying true, that old cliche?

"It is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all??"

For some that's not true, lost love makes them bitter! Better to erect a shell around the heart filling in all the cracks!!

For some love is bittersweet.. the joy of being together tainted with the knowledge, that it is fleeting..like a moment in time. One of life's endless little jokes which hurt like hell..

photo ©2006J.Jaulin

So the search continues..or does it? Can we stop it! The cry of "Yes!" echoes in the distance..the cries die down..no..and what is left? An empty shell-a cold empty shell..

True it may be possible to pretend to love, some perfect even the physical side of it, with no emotion tainting the heart, going through all the motions, at times so well the other side can almost forget-yet can that really be enough? Do they know the joy of being perfectly in tune with someone who has your heart? A cliche, perhaps, old fashioned-probably for some..but quite a real prospect however dangerous..

Although once I was criticized for saying "love" was a basic human necessity...I stand by it. Just as early canonists stood by it. Possibly misogynistic old men in the 12th century, but in some ways they were ahead of their time..

So unless a chance is taken, we never can know can we? Sometimes it is better to leave the known comfort of an old shell, and take a risk-it just might be worth it.

Whereas some find beauty in sunsets, others in those who take them..

and yet, there is something to be said about chasing sunsets...

Rose Valley, Cappadocia

Mosques in Mardin, Turkey

Beautiful and extremely elusive.. just like some people..

Sometimes, you can capture fleeting moments of time..

I once thought that it would be exciting to travel the world, and compared to some who've never moved from the front of their tv I have. However, interestingly enough you never seem to let go of old baggage! You think you've changed and grown but somewhere deep down inside everything that you've been hiding from just turns around finds you again. AND yes you can make the same mistake twice! Looking back now, you think oh I should have..and think of five hundred things you would have done differently..what a shame that you can't do that for the future as well. I never minded my age up until now but now I find myself thinking yes but..times flying..(and damn-I need to stop!) instead of just leaping forward I've been procrastinating where to go for months. The one place I'd like to go is not possible..due to delicate reasons as well as the small thing as work permits. So I've finally decided on San Francisco it always sounded interesting..it also happens to have a university with a medieval dept!!! So for the present leaving all those wonderful plans of living in Europe aside, for the cold practicalities of life. Which according to some people I have long neglected and need to rectify-as well as probably "act my age" whatever that may be??? But in my defense I'd like to add that it was only for the past 5 years (where I studied )that I've been a burden on my family...okay its a bit late in life, and I would warn people out there against studying English Lit, as there isn't much work out there, especially if you don't quite like teaching..and possibly doing an MA in Viking and Medieval Studies wasn't quite the thing to earn you money as well, (but at least the tuition was free)...and I enjoyed it! If there is anything to say for actually enjoying what you do then, I freely admit I do, enough to want to do more research, but the damn practicalities of life seem to intrude..So if I've learned anything at this ripe age ( i wont say old!) is that timing does make a difference, but some things are just meant to be I guess..you know destiny and all that. I just wish it would be a bit easier to decipher sometimes! and if it decides to get your heart involved I wish it didn't have such a sick sense of humour. At times it seems like the school bully, dangling just the bit of chocolate that you want but holding it up just high enough so that you can't possibly reach it!

Despite all this my friends I seriously do wish us all- Happiness, Health, and Peace of Mind in all we do for 2007!

p.s. Thanks to the person who left the comment that I must have made a lot of friends, I hadn't thought of it that way, and it cheered me up.

Winter is near..

a grey day in Istanbul, rain rain go away....

Tea break on the Bosphorous

even in the rain..the view is worth getting wet for!

Live, Love and Learn my new motto.

Once upon a time, I wanted to...travel the world, meet new people, experience life first hand. So, with help from my parents and the freedom to experiment I did. Along the way I met some very good friends..One of the last places I thought to go was Sweden. I'm so glad I did! It was an eye opening experience-the people were so nice. The cold was unimaginable at first but then it was normal, -15C was a breeze(as long as you layered!!). You learn a lot about yourself living alone in a far away country..mostly that you never stop growing-the best part for me was the friendships. Besides that I found a love of research and history-though the black sheep of the group with nary a thought of Vikings or "ramparts" (shane!) I had good tutors, in all areas. Still managed to incorporate some gender studies and sexuality! Thanks to Helio and myself, we managed to find some interesting sexual habits! I even wrote a thesis on the role of sex and sexual roles of women in Medieval Scandinavia as portrayed in the laws. This was managed with great help from Alex, our professor. (who I owe a huge amount of thanks for her editing) An archeologist/historian she's now in the process of discovering a new find- Egil, her son. Best of luck! Looking back, it passed in a blur of days spent researching, chats over coffee and apple cake at Ofvandahls, traveling to the Artic Circle-(dog sledding!), Berlin(architecture), Gotland(medieval castles), Oslo(sculptures..oh yes and the Oseberg ship burials (I would be the only one to forget that, yes I know..After we finished I made one more trip, to France but..thats another story.