la vie est belle!!

Some things in life come unexpectedly...and it's up to you to realize this and have the courage to take advantage of them-no matter how long they last...I've just realized how many social and cultural boundaries we place on our selves...but if we take a long hard look then, they come up truly empty..

Take advantage of life, and enjoy it while you can, for you never know what tomorrow may bring..

La vie est belle- merci madame anne pour tes conseils...

Sunny days are here...

Hello all..

The sun is shining, and I'm probably off on a new adventure towards the end of summer. San Francisco is calling my name..so, wish me luck. It's a logical choice, lots of uni's, sun, sea...cafe's. As close to Europe as I'm going to get..So this is me standing by an old house, bit more of me to love now..sigh..hoping to lose them soon!!! smiling..

Enjoy the day my friends, tout commence par des reves!

Fantasy to reality,

To state a simple fact, I miss this desperately.

What is this world coming to...

I know I sound like somebody's grandmother but seriously! I was talking with a friend in France, and discussing the finer points of French politics..smiling-Thinking how most French people when asked said they wouldn't vote for Sarkozy, he's too stubborn,opinionated etc..But, the fact that he was going to win was visible. Survival of the fittest, when all is said and done, people want a tough, macho, no holds barred kind of politician. Otherwise Bayrou would have fit the bill. Now we have a world, which has Bush...sigh..Sarkozy..in Turkey, well we can't seem to find a non religious candidate or non nationalist..both ends of the extreme, and well wonder what's going to happen in the UK, with Blair! ahh well, at least thinking of politics and all the riots we can expect has put my present jobless state out of my mind for a bit..

Small world...

Once again, I've been amazed at just how small this world actually is! Or are we really tied together with invisible threads, which reconnect us to people that we've met so long ago..People with which we have established a good or.. (bad) energy. I found a friend who happened to sit at my table at a cafe, a friend that I met oh..ten years ago, through another friend. So, we picked up where we left off..someone else to visit in Europe..someone else who agrees with me, that New York isn't someplace that you want to grow old in. But then again neither is Istanbul...but thats another story..

Nostalgia...

Okay guys,

I sometimes hate looking through old photos. I've gotten nostalgic for Sweden, but for the times we had, not just for the place itself..
Ofvandahls!! A must to anyone who goes to Uppsala, however I warn in advance it can become extremely addictive!!!

Everything comes with a price..

even freedom..With one swoop of my keyboard I have cut myself free, but what have I lost..financial freedom in lieu of peace of mind. Which should have greater say..Ah well I drag my stress around like a ball and chain. I need to like what I do, where I work..sigh..I've been spoiled I know. A wonderful friend told me to travel take photo's and write! Oh how tempting that does sound..to be pulled between trying to act my age (which I still haven't managed to do) and being faithful to myself which leaves me virtually pennyless..well, something will turn up it must once again..Live love and learn...one is supposed to learn from one's mistakes..

and yet...

Like a lover even the most complacent can be pushed too far! Sigh..
My boss assumes the role of patron yet it is not in me to be submissive,
soon- my rebellious nature will take over and I will be once more out of work...
Sweet is the sun shining on my face, filtered through the few remaining branches..calming in the mist of horns and traffic jams that fill the bus stop.

Pleasure and pain..

Love, hate relationship..my job has taken on these qualities..it changes from hour to hour..but like a lover who returns to her abusive husband, I return to my job. Words are the key, whispering words of love, she (he) stays..as for me whispering words I want to hear,,travel, relocation and money..dare me to stay. Sighing I wait for the final blow, or in my case not getting my first paycheck..yet, what do I fear more, that I will and prolong this agony or that I wont...

So this is what it means..

I'm learning patience...I'm learning what it means to be an adult..I'm learning to do a job that bores me to death (but I'm capable of doing it with little thought), for little pay because I have no choice. I'm learning to stick with it, even though the creative side of me rebels, because I have no choice. I need to work and survive on my own two feet..so this is what it means to grow up. I thought that long ago when I left the bank, idealistic and free, that my life would change around..but fate or destiny has a way of shaking her finger, and getting back at you. The most interesting side of it is, this is Istanbul..will I even be able to GET my pay..now that is quite normal here presumably, but then I 'd have my excuse...grinning ruefully..

any resemblance....

Mom's 70th birthday..bad photo of me but thought great one of my dad..and well, very serious family photo! smiling

Smiling..the world has potential again..

Okay for all the time i have whinged and moaned,
felt sorry for myself and needed to let the world know,
i now feel content. I've taken a risk and invested in a challenge,
one that can either fall flat on my face or turn out in my favor.
I work long hours and keep busy doing ten things at once, but
it's not monotonous-
no social life but who knows life is turning out to be very interesting..

Feeling useful...

it's amazing how important it is to feel useful, to know that you are a making a difference -
this need not be something huge, like finding the cure for cancer, but just figuring out little details that someone else missed-and feeling in control, another thing that was lacking in my life..As usual I'm being stubborn and taking risks. Believing in something, someone, when most people tell me not to! I've been wrong before, and this can't turn into one of those, I can't eat crow here...too many I told you so's! Just once I WANT to be right! where do i go if i'm wrong..not going to think of that yet..I need this too much, I hadn't realized how much. It feels good to be in my element...even if that is just as an assistant..

Working, reading and sitting quietly in a corner writing with a glass of wine, Quietly alone being the prominent word here..I miss that as well, so for all of my friends out there, enjoying sitting in a quiet house, with no one to bother them enjoy it. I've lived in other peoples houses for 8 months i'm damn tired of it...i'm not that social or family oriented.

Hmmm the weather is at least holding out, sun, sea and light chilly breezes..

Will post pictures of my mother's 70th birthday party later..went out to eat.

Stay well....

so there is always a brighter side..

Sometimes it takes a while to see it, it gets lost amongst the fog and despair. The difference comes with some financial independence-even if it's not much. Working is good for the soul, it keeps away the memories, the what if's, if only's..immersed in work you lose track of time. I know that it's better to be alone than to be with someone for the wrong reasons. I've been there and I've recently found out I like being independent and not answering to anyone for my actions..So, tomorrow I start working..wish me luck.

Have I given in?

Has the need to find work clouded my judgement? I've accepted a job which I know I can do, for a ridiculously low amount of money..it's something to keep me sane, but why do i feel as if i've given in?? Given in to societies dictates and accepted a job that will bore me to death! Sigh...the need to balance getting old and needing security with enjoying life while you are still young..Having ideals and goals and being able to achieve them!
The complexities of life and love...

we are not always what we seem...

little by little my strength deserts me,

replaced by a fatigue that infiltrates my soul.

watching the sun slide away,

my heart senses nothing but its basic function.

the sun leaves behind a chill wind, which suits me as it slices me in two.

once open will it finally reveal a heart of stone?

Fits my mood...

crossing the continents on the ferry-istanbul

Apology to all

I've been trying to post photos since the 14th of March but there seems to be a problem-hopefully i will find a way to fix it! Getting annoyed!

Look what I've become...

Searching for work has become a combination of prostitution,
begging and luck.
Although I've begged,chatted and just about used every form of charm (except one)smiling..
still no luck. There is only one thing I can't do! It's make a pest out of myself.
Yes..that's probably why I'm still sitting here! Therefore what's a girl to do??
Continue to believe in the jobfairy??Laughing..
Wouldn't that be nice, a near cousin of the toothfairy perchance.
Someone flitting around leaving little acceptance applications in your email-rather than money under your pillow!
Laughing..yes it's now official, I've lost what little sense I had...
If found please return to sender..

Effect of sunlight..

Weaving in and out of the crowd, sunlight glints off the metal tray-
deftly handled by steady hands-
Hypnotized by its motions, I continue to watch..What binds me to this place? Warm sun heats my back, my eyes close almost asleep.. A muezzin reads the afternoon prayers, harsh and loud it breaks my stupor. Calling the faithful it has the reverse affect on me. A gypsy woman asks to read my palm, dare I? Would it make a difference?
Isn't it we who determine our fate? We who change our destiny according to our past decisions..So, no, there isn't anyone to blame but ourselves. Resigned to her fate she gracefully accepts a donation while I get up to leave, leaving behind the sunlight.