Time got away from me....

Okay, working and no internet at home..well time got away from me! Sorry to all...
So, I've been working with "little bundles of joy" for one month now, just got paid!! Thank you! I've survived..with minor war wounds..a COLD the first week. But I am learning patience and it is a good learning experience. I've also learned to appreciate 10ms of just quiet before the second storm!!And NO this does not mean that I am now qualified to do free babysitting!!! smiling..Otherwise, time passes very quickly, and by evening I'm tired..It's amazing how precious weekends have become. However, I have managed thanks to a good friend..to go to the 10th Biennal festival, here, and see some interesting exhibitions, photographs, modern Art sculptures and short films..AS well as some interesting German films subtitled of course, for free!! surprise surprise...I'm quite happy with my present living arrangements, although, come winter it will be interesting with no central heating..We are learning to live together though generally I don't think there is any major problems..However like everything else in life, it takes compromise on both sides. Do I regret anything-no..just that time moves too fast sometimes! I've brought rollerblades and until this illness..sigh..have taken to rollerblading in Asia,(laughing) for approx 10km. while Anne either runs or bikes...of course I've also taken my first fall or two!! but its good, we go early in the morning before 9am..yes I can get up! And the boat ride is amazing and relaxing for the spirit...I usually spend my weekends just reading by the Bosphorous..luckily the weather has been strange and its warm!! Not complaining..at the moment. So, Shane and Aurore, hope you two are adjusting to life together, and hope we see each other soon...stay well all, know that you are in my thoughts even if I cannot write.

Feeling good...

I've found time to sit on this wonderful terrace, with light music coming from the restaurant across the street, oddly enough similiar to the Moulin Rouge..it's a bit chilly and no stars out tonight, but really meditative and a bonus to have in this city.
Despite all the little (big)problems happening in Istanbul..intercity buses starting to allow for prayer breaks..or so the newspapers have stated..I've been a bit busy with my new job and some personal experiences..Having forgotten how little 3year olds were, I was in for a surprise, as well as how much microbes that those little buggers carry!!! I'm still smiling, which says a lot for my state of mind. Being in a healthy and supportive environment is good for the moral..
So does every good thing that happens to you, come with a price? For the first time I am not thinking of the future but living in the present. Living in Istanbul you develop a lack of privacy..wandering around the house naked you happen to forget just how close the windows are..oops...As well as the noise..my neighbors child decided that at 11pm he wanted to sing!! loud enough for all the world to hear..as well as the ladies who never sleep, sitting on the doorstep-some on an old couch, eating sunflower seeds, till the wee hours in the morning, of course! their conversation drifts through the open window..which because of the heat is impossible to close. But the best!!! (this happens all around Istanbul) are the ladies living on the top floors, yelling for the 'market' boy, who takes their order usually bread, juice, or a forgotten vegetable, for which a basket is lowered-through the window-the requested items placed inside and the basket is raised back through the window... all in a days work.
However, la vie est belle, and at this moment I am enjoying every minute of it, thank you! thank you! thank you.. un petit bisou...

Ahh I found two books!!in my friends used bookstore, one on the sociological aspect of gender studies, written in 75 but still interesting, the other called Sexual Politics, a classic or so I've been told..ahhh...my luck is changing for the better. Laughing I've been told 2008 is the year of the Rat, and it will be a good year for us, in more ways then one..

Where am i?

I sit in my favorite Belgian cafe(a small luxury which I granted myself), Le Pain Quotidien, drinking heavenly coffee out of little bowls, with light jazz music playing in the background and New Yorkers talking in the background-light skinned African Americans smiling and laughing enjoying life, making ME smile,.. however this is NOT New York, no, it is in a modern, very chic, open planned mall that could be located in Rome, or Milan, but its in Istanbul.. It is hard to understand really, the huge gap between the secular luxury loving, comfortable living walking around the streets of New York as they are in Milan, or Istanbul, with the AKP regime, who are integrating into the very heart of the system. The educational system, social system, where, on Friday's if you do not go to mosque you are ostracized, and fundamentally forced to comply whether or not you believe. I usually sit outside in little sidewalk tea cafe's one of which happens to be under a mosque. It is an old cafe which has been there for at least 30years. This past year I've watched as slowly the sound system which projects the voice of the muezzin,(prayer) has gotten louder. To the degree in which you cannot talk, and although people have complained it is for nought. Looking into the faces of the young men who go to Friday prayer (which is compulsory for a muslim male-so I've been told) they are fresh and innocent, 11,15, early 20's and I feel a sense of pity-of course it is all relavent. They seem quite happy with their lives, having known little else, but looking at the increase of head scarves and the decrease of real opposition, it makes me wonder what Istanbul will look like in 20years. However for now, I can still enjoy looking around me and seeing only western faces...

So...I haven't written...

Spending time down south, I was able to relax, and think (maybe too much according to a few!) But, I realized that home is where the heart is, cliche though it might be. Right now a part of my heart is in Istanbul, and that means putting up with a few difficulties for the moment , such as a regime which is the opposite of what I'm used to. Conservative, and limiting to women, with men in the forefront of everything. Honor killings are still a huge issue, and economic life here is making people more and more short tempered. However,this regime IS what most people in Istanbul are used to and want, and unfortunate though it may be to most of us they will elect Gul. He is a representative of the people. So what do those of us who aren't part of this do, well we either bury our heads in the sand and hope for a miracle continueing to live a life which is in a way a cocoon against reality: western type clothing, bars, cliche's and all. Click our tongues and shake our heads (as our mothers are want to do) over where the country is heading and fear for their children..or run away. If you've lived abroad for a certain amount of time, its very difficult to find someone who "thinks" like you do. My friend and I were talking as we floated along in the water, lazing...and I thought back to my past relationships and what I wanted in a relationship now, and as I listed the basics.." enjoys life, laughter, doesn't bring wear me down with negativity, pushes me to do more as well as themselves etc" I found she was shaking her head in agreement, and she realized how difficult that will be with a turkish male. It's just not in their cultural upbringing..how sad..but then I started wondering if it was in any male society?? Should I start doing male gender studies instead and find out? Having just now read an article in IHT about how married women with children wish they had a wife..at home as well. How difficult it is to actually have children and a career, whereas men seem to prosper with a wife at home, wives seem to stress and lose job opportunities. Sometimes I think I shouldn't worry about probably not having children..which is my supposed cultural role in life...sigh, good thing I like to be controversial a bit.

la vie est belle and the life is short...

Considering these two options, it's best to grab life with both hands? no? So, excuse me if I do what makes me happy and content, however hard it is to do in Turkey. This is a collectivist culture as my psychology master friend Su tells me. Therefore this means(in my humble opinion of course) that everybody and anybody will intrude, remark, exclaim and basically interfere in your life because well they know better and they mean well..and trying to be different or just yourself is a bit difficult. It's also interesting to see how different people view you, and the criticism about your character etc...hmmm I seem to be selfish and ungrateful, unstable a bit too in my choices in life - of course according to some, maybe it's true, I guess depending on whose side you are looking at it from..for me well, I tend to look at it from a more positive aspect, everything I've done has helped me grow and learn, and my life has been anything but monotonous..what is wrong with doing what makes you happy??so, right now I am pleased to be where I am and look forward to where I will be in the future.. under which sky who knows, Australia, France, U.S....

Looking up at the sky the stars are the same,
for you, for me, for the past centuries...
how many lovers stared into their depths,
lost, entranced, bewitched by their sheer numbers..
only to see a shooting star, one whose soul has died,
yet undiscouraged a wish is made...of love...of hope..

Two different aspects of the same view..

me in Bodrum...enjoying some live music

irresistable....

2 months old ohhhhh...if only...

Grateful...

Okay...sometimes it pays to be grateful for the little things..like watching a pink sunset settle over grey mountains, framed by green pine trees- and being able to relax and know that life isn't so bad after all. Having spent about two weeks encased with my family-brother and nieces, along with a few friends, I realized how "free" I really am, and how much I have to be grateful for. Talking to a cousin I also realized how much I've experienced(and continue to experience) and grow as a person, whereas others get stuck and struggle to cope within a small world. Trying to find a way to escape- yet being tied down with responsibilities of marriage, children and possibly the worse of all their own lack of self confidence, that they will survive outside....People keep telling me I'm strong..but, I don't see it that way, we only have one life to live, why make it more complicated?? The basic necessity (besides love-sorry guys, it still makes me smile-what controversy!!) is happiness..but love comes in many forms-passion,respect, comradery..if we are lucky we get all three in one person...
Ahh sorry small digression but the landscape has turned from pink to shades of grey..there really is beauty in nature, if we only stop to take a look...and a deep breath..It's sad to see someone you care for in pain or living a life which is filled with more negatives then positives...especially when they are younger then you..

If not to listen to me when I speak,
why are you here,
If not to comfort me when I'm sad,
what use are you to me,
laughter, a powerful tool,
lost with the passage of time..how long has it been??
Be my friend as well as my lover,
otherwise we can't survive!
Why continue if we are only two machines,
traversing the same path, the same routine on automatic, where sex becomes just another chore!
If in the end this is what we become, grant me the strength to leave...for this is not a life.

Su's interesting photo of me..

on a day trip around my part of town..

an old English prison tower-the building is less interesting, turned hospital. Curious about the year..and the view..

Laughing..sorry for the confusion..

I freely admit that at times my life takes strange twists and turns, but that is what makes life interesting. At the last minute, I've found a job which might turn into something interesting, it's teaching english at a day care, but the owners are into all kinds of interesting activities,(music therapy,drama etc..) and have a good educational background as well as doing this job for 16years, and no, they are young -early 40's female. So I'm actually excited and nervous!! However, I'm also staying for a few personal reasons as well..smiling...so everything happens for a reason and I'm just following the flow...
Therefore....I'm in Istanbul for a year in case anyone is interested, and NO I have not given up on the phd, just will work on all the paperwork and applications etc from here..hopefully it will all work out.

Smiling..

So true...

By Hélène Cixous
"How can we finish a book, a dream"
What happens at the end of a text? Here again we have much to learn from what dreams, our masters, do with us; the author is in the book as we are in the dream's boat. We always have the belief and the illusion that we are the ones writing, that we are the ones dreaming. Clearly this isn't true. We are not having the dream, the dream has us, carries us, and, at a given moment, it drops us, even if the dream is in the author in the way the text is assumed to be. What we call texts escape us as the dream escapes us on waking, or the dream evades us in dreams. We follow it, things go at top speed, and we are constantly -- what a giddy and delicious sensation! -- surprised. In the dream as in the text, we go from one amazement to another. I imagine many texts are written completely differently, but I am only interested in the texts that escape.

From Three Steps on the Ladder of Writing (New York: Columbia University Press, 1993) 98.

For a moment..

I had forgotten what it was like to live for the moment, to accept changes when they happen and ..Not to worry about time, I'm grateful I remembered to relax again at the last moment!! Life should be full of surprises..preferably good ones.

The world is full of angels..

Again and again I repeat the litany,
La vie est belle, again and again, it has no beginning or end.
Full of promise, full of hope,
A sweet promise of trust, guardians of a fragile being...easily broken, not easily mended..yet, without whose existence life is very mechanical, a daily routine...life is grey.
Share your trust with me and see a world that is full of laughter.. no longer grey but light and airy, trees of green, seas that burst over the sides too strong to contain.
Believe that life still has promise, hope and really life can be beautiful..no longer alone help me believe in possibilities..

Life is to be lived...

There is a poem by Cahit Sitki Taranci-which he wrote when he was 35 years old, and in it he says that 35 is "yolun yarisi" meaning half way to the grave, and he describes how he doesn't recognize himself in the mirror-who's wrinkles are those, where is my youth...maybe he was right for if I remember correctly he died young. But if those people I met yesterday, who said our thoughts form our world, are correct then....

On July 22nd I shall be..35 years old..wow! BUT unlike him, I enjoy my age! I'm stronger and happier in my 30's (to those few friends I have who are actually under 30 smiling). And unlike him, I can look in the mirror without flinching..(thanks to good genes and maybe a more positive outlook at life) We all feel regret etc and days when things feel wrong..but they have to come and go...I'm lucky...truly..I have very good friends, who keep me grounded. Some more than others make me fly and feel sometimes too much..smiling...and laugh, and laugh, till I have tears coming out of my eyes..Thank you..such a simple saying but it means a lot. But life is meant to be lived and enjoyed! There is no time for long regrets or what ifs..At least not for me, so yes 35 may be half way but it's positive and a time for new beginnings and new adventures! So, my friends for those who read this- I declare for my birthday, I will make a wish and not keep it to myself, but for all of you as well....

I wish for health...without which nothing is really possible..
I wish for days filled with inane laughter, laughter till your sides ache, tears roll out of your eyes and you can't catch your breath!-I'm sure there are hormones that are released...amazingly relaxing..
I wish for peaceful, quiet days, next to the one you love-just reading,or knowing that person is near enough to touch...-simple things, a look, or a slight touch, can make you shiver....
I wish for internal fulfillment-with work, study or research, because without which I've come to realize its not enough..
I wish for time!- yes..time, time to travel, to see the world...and enjoy the one you love-there are so many different ways..smiling..sigh!!. Time, may be my one concession to getting older.

One day I hope to be somewhere in this world, where we could possibly all meet!! How I will make this happen I don't know but...somehow I will..as you can see we are stretched out quite a bit..and this list may be incomplete -laughing old age...makes my mind forget..but you all hold different places in my heart..

Shane-Aurore (yes I will write you together as you've become in life..happy for you!!)(Australia)
Helio-(Portugal)- gender studies anyone!! smiling..yes..
Anne (France or??) my confidant...will always find you..
Lara (U.S) my lost best friend..sorry that I cannot be there for you, when you need me.
Genevieve..(Canada)-my spiritual advisor who gives me hope...hope you are enjoying traveling...
Erik...(U.S.)-keeps me on my toes..U.S.politics and surprises..
Saskia..(Holland)with two beautiful kids...omar and djimila...and its been 11years now..
Carro-(Sweden) Hej!!! some invisible connection I'm sure!!my baking partner..
Alex- (Sweden-London?)along with Egil of course!!! couldn't have managed without you..will write soon..
Nadine( Zurich or Dublin..hmm-good luck and may you find a place in this world)
Helen (Sweden)- keep writing..the world needs journalists..
Kaira (Scotland)..Orbit as well...sweetheart hope you are well..haven't heard from you in a long time!!
Ilgen and Sebahat (Istanbul) old friends...ten years on wish you both happiness!!
Su!!!-( Istanbul,New York, Spain..??)-good luck my friend in establishing yourself..not easy.

life is never so simple...

As it seems...I've come to realize that in order to have some peace and independence you need to have money, yes okay, maybe I'm a bit late in realizing this...but after having an interesting arguement 2 against 1, with my brother and mother, I've realized that everyone has a different tolerance level, and some none at all..In order to have some peace in this life, and live it the way you choose then, yes, monetary independence is a must...My mother just got a taste of an arguement in gender studies, and considering my quite logical and calm reaction to topics which she couldn't understand, (as well as my brother) I've realized that it is best not to bring up these topics (I just get a headache)...smiling ruefully...She asked if this is what I plan on studying as a phd anyone want to guess the answer...Really, they don't know me very well at all...sigh!! Je suis tres tetue...

I met two people from Dublin,they were here for a "breath therapy" conference (interesting, learning to breathe) and as I helped them find the modern art museum in Tophane, they explained that the main philosophy behind the therapy is, " Our thoughts form the world around us"

hmmmm...i think i like that idea..

Beauty in nature....

A gentle caress, my hand strokes the blooms ever so...softly,

colors both pale and delicate beneath my fingers,

Fragile, resilient my fingers skim over the contours..

eyes closed,

I find a single rose mixed amongst the hydrangeas,

her petals closed, forcing me to have patience, the softness

easily bruised, as I discover the hidden secrets she keeps..

family reunion...

You know you are getting older, when boys become men, and you can remember changing their diapers!(my cousins) hmmm 18 years have passed...so maybe this crazy "abla" can broaden a few horizons and show them that life is worth experiencing to the fullest!

No longer lost...

Once again I'm drawn back into gender studies (sorry Shane!) but spending time with a friend, I realize HOW much society's dictates are ingrained in all of us. It's a startling revelation! Shane, I know you much prefer history however, this is living history. Have you ever had to make a decision where only your mind stopped you..but even then your arguements to yourself were lame?

What gives us the right to impose boundaries, rules regulations on emotions? Why should a simple label placed during the 19th century (by men) pyschoanalysts, immediately grant stigmatization and create...a difference? A right and wrong way to bestow our emotions?? Limits on what kind of love (maternal, sexual..)may be given to and to whom....it's so bloody simple!! IF only people would accept and let it be...How can you say it's wrong to care about a living human being, to make them laugh, and want to be with them....Live Love and Learn..back to my first entries..if only let ourselves relax and live.

I grant that this form of argument has been made by many academics, but as it's a sore issue with me, it deserves to be repeated!

la vie est belle!!

Some things in life come unexpectedly...and it's up to you to realize this and have the courage to take advantage of them-no matter how long they last...I've just realized how many social and cultural boundaries we place on our selves...but if we take a long hard look then, they come up truly empty..

Take advantage of life, and enjoy it while you can, for you never know what tomorrow may bring..

La vie est belle- merci madame anne pour tes conseils...

Sunny days are here...

Hello all..

The sun is shining, and I'm probably off on a new adventure towards the end of summer. San Francisco is calling my name..so, wish me luck. It's a logical choice, lots of uni's, sun, sea...cafe's. As close to Europe as I'm going to get..So this is me standing by an old house, bit more of me to love now..sigh..hoping to lose them soon!!! smiling..

Enjoy the day my friends, tout commence par des reves!