Su's interesting photo of me..

on a day trip around my part of town..

an old English prison tower-the building is less interesting, turned hospital. Curious about the year..and the view..

Laughing..sorry for the confusion..

I freely admit that at times my life takes strange twists and turns, but that is what makes life interesting. At the last minute, I've found a job which might turn into something interesting, it's teaching english at a day care, but the owners are into all kinds of interesting activities,(music therapy,drama etc..) and have a good educational background as well as doing this job for 16years, and no, they are young -early 40's female. So I'm actually excited and nervous!! However, I'm also staying for a few personal reasons as well..smiling...so everything happens for a reason and I'm just following the flow...
Therefore....I'm in Istanbul for a year in case anyone is interested, and NO I have not given up on the phd, just will work on all the paperwork and applications etc from here..hopefully it will all work out.

Smiling..

So true...

By Hélène Cixous
"How can we finish a book, a dream"
What happens at the end of a text? Here again we have much to learn from what dreams, our masters, do with us; the author is in the book as we are in the dream's boat. We always have the belief and the illusion that we are the ones writing, that we are the ones dreaming. Clearly this isn't true. We are not having the dream, the dream has us, carries us, and, at a given moment, it drops us, even if the dream is in the author in the way the text is assumed to be. What we call texts escape us as the dream escapes us on waking, or the dream evades us in dreams. We follow it, things go at top speed, and we are constantly -- what a giddy and delicious sensation! -- surprised. In the dream as in the text, we go from one amazement to another. I imagine many texts are written completely differently, but I am only interested in the texts that escape.

From Three Steps on the Ladder of Writing (New York: Columbia University Press, 1993) 98.

For a moment..

I had forgotten what it was like to live for the moment, to accept changes when they happen and ..Not to worry about time, I'm grateful I remembered to relax again at the last moment!! Life should be full of surprises..preferably good ones.

The world is full of angels..

Again and again I repeat the litany,
La vie est belle, again and again, it has no beginning or end.
Full of promise, full of hope,
A sweet promise of trust, guardians of a fragile being...easily broken, not easily mended..yet, without whose existence life is very mechanical, a daily routine...life is grey.
Share your trust with me and see a world that is full of laughter.. no longer grey but light and airy, trees of green, seas that burst over the sides too strong to contain.
Believe that life still has promise, hope and really life can be beautiful..no longer alone help me believe in possibilities..

Life is to be lived...

There is a poem by Cahit Sitki Taranci-which he wrote when he was 35 years old, and in it he says that 35 is "yolun yarisi" meaning half way to the grave, and he describes how he doesn't recognize himself in the mirror-who's wrinkles are those, where is my youth...maybe he was right for if I remember correctly he died young. But if those people I met yesterday, who said our thoughts form our world, are correct then....

On July 22nd I shall be..35 years old..wow! BUT unlike him, I enjoy my age! I'm stronger and happier in my 30's (to those few friends I have who are actually under 30 smiling). And unlike him, I can look in the mirror without flinching..(thanks to good genes and maybe a more positive outlook at life) We all feel regret etc and days when things feel wrong..but they have to come and go...I'm lucky...truly..I have very good friends, who keep me grounded. Some more than others make me fly and feel sometimes too much..smiling...and laugh, and laugh, till I have tears coming out of my eyes..Thank you..such a simple saying but it means a lot. But life is meant to be lived and enjoyed! There is no time for long regrets or what ifs..At least not for me, so yes 35 may be half way but it's positive and a time for new beginnings and new adventures! So, my friends for those who read this- I declare for my birthday, I will make a wish and not keep it to myself, but for all of you as well....

I wish for health...without which nothing is really possible..
I wish for days filled with inane laughter, laughter till your sides ache, tears roll out of your eyes and you can't catch your breath!-I'm sure there are hormones that are released...amazingly relaxing..
I wish for peaceful, quiet days, next to the one you love-just reading,or knowing that person is near enough to touch...-simple things, a look, or a slight touch, can make you shiver....
I wish for internal fulfillment-with work, study or research, because without which I've come to realize its not enough..
I wish for time!- yes..time, time to travel, to see the world...and enjoy the one you love-there are so many different ways..smiling..sigh!!. Time, may be my one concession to getting older.

One day I hope to be somewhere in this world, where we could possibly all meet!! How I will make this happen I don't know but...somehow I will..as you can see we are stretched out quite a bit..and this list may be incomplete -laughing old age...makes my mind forget..but you all hold different places in my heart..

Shane-Aurore (yes I will write you together as you've become in life..happy for you!!)(Australia)
Helio-(Portugal)- gender studies anyone!! smiling..yes..
Anne (France or??) my confidant...will always find you..
Lara (U.S) my lost best friend..sorry that I cannot be there for you, when you need me.
Genevieve..(Canada)-my spiritual advisor who gives me hope...hope you are enjoying traveling...
Erik...(U.S.)-keeps me on my toes..U.S.politics and surprises..
Saskia..(Holland)with two beautiful kids...omar and djimila...and its been 11years now..
Carro-(Sweden) Hej!!! some invisible connection I'm sure!!my baking partner..
Alex- (Sweden-London?)along with Egil of course!!! couldn't have managed without you..will write soon..
Nadine( Zurich or Dublin..hmm-good luck and may you find a place in this world)
Helen (Sweden)- keep writing..the world needs journalists..
Kaira (Scotland)..Orbit as well...sweetheart hope you are well..haven't heard from you in a long time!!
Ilgen and Sebahat (Istanbul) old friends...ten years on wish you both happiness!!
Su!!!-( Istanbul,New York, Spain..??)-good luck my friend in establishing yourself..not easy.

life is never so simple...

As it seems...I've come to realize that in order to have some peace and independence you need to have money, yes okay, maybe I'm a bit late in realizing this...but after having an interesting arguement 2 against 1, with my brother and mother, I've realized that everyone has a different tolerance level, and some none at all..In order to have some peace in this life, and live it the way you choose then, yes, monetary independence is a must...My mother just got a taste of an arguement in gender studies, and considering my quite logical and calm reaction to topics which she couldn't understand, (as well as my brother) I've realized that it is best not to bring up these topics (I just get a headache)...smiling ruefully...She asked if this is what I plan on studying as a phd anyone want to guess the answer...Really, they don't know me very well at all...sigh!! Je suis tres tetue...

I met two people from Dublin,they were here for a "breath therapy" conference (interesting, learning to breathe) and as I helped them find the modern art museum in Tophane, they explained that the main philosophy behind the therapy is, " Our thoughts form the world around us"

hmmmm...i think i like that idea..

Beauty in nature....

A gentle caress, my hand strokes the blooms ever so...softly,

colors both pale and delicate beneath my fingers,

Fragile, resilient my fingers skim over the contours..

eyes closed,

I find a single rose mixed amongst the hydrangeas,

her petals closed, forcing me to have patience, the softness

easily bruised, as I discover the hidden secrets she keeps..

family reunion...

You know you are getting older, when boys become men, and you can remember changing their diapers!(my cousins) hmmm 18 years have passed...so maybe this crazy "abla" can broaden a few horizons and show them that life is worth experiencing to the fullest!

No longer lost...

Once again I'm drawn back into gender studies (sorry Shane!) but spending time with a friend, I realize HOW much society's dictates are ingrained in all of us. It's a startling revelation! Shane, I know you much prefer history however, this is living history. Have you ever had to make a decision where only your mind stopped you..but even then your arguements to yourself were lame?

What gives us the right to impose boundaries, rules regulations on emotions? Why should a simple label placed during the 19th century (by men) pyschoanalysts, immediately grant stigmatization and create...a difference? A right and wrong way to bestow our emotions?? Limits on what kind of love (maternal, sexual..)may be given to and to whom....it's so bloody simple!! IF only people would accept and let it be...How can you say it's wrong to care about a living human being, to make them laugh, and want to be with them....Live Love and Learn..back to my first entries..if only let ourselves relax and live.

I grant that this form of argument has been made by many academics, but as it's a sore issue with me, it deserves to be repeated!