Saturday, April 28, 2007

and yet...

Like a lover even the most complacent can be pushed too far! Sigh..
My boss assumes the role of patron yet it is not in me to be submissive,
soon- my rebellious nature will take over and I will be once more out of work...
Sweet is the sun shining on my face, filtered through the few remaining branches..calming in the mist of horns and traffic jams that fill the bus stop.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Pleasure and pain..

Love, hate relationship..my job has taken on these qualities..it changes from hour to hour..but like a lover who returns to her abusive husband, I return to my job. Words are the key, whispering words of love, she (he) stays..as for me whispering words I want to hear,,travel, relocation and money..dare me to stay. Sighing I wait for the final blow, or in my case not getting my first paycheck..yet, what do I fear more, that I will and prolong this agony or that I wont...

Sunday, April 22, 2007

So this is what it means..

I'm learning patience...I'm learning what it means to be an adult..I'm learning to do a job that bores me to death (but I'm capable of doing it with little thought), for little pay because I have no choice. I'm learning to stick with it, even though the creative side of me rebels, because I have no choice. I need to work and survive on my own two feet..so this is what it means to grow up. I thought that long ago when I left the bank, idealistic and free, that my life would change around..but fate or destiny has a way of shaking her finger, and getting back at you. The most interesting side of it is, this is Istanbul..will I even be able to GET my pay..now that is quite normal here presumably, but then I 'd have my excuse...grinning ruefully..

Monday, April 16, 2007

any resemblance....


Mom's 70th birthday..bad photo of me but thought great one of my dad..and well, very serious family photo! smiling

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Smiling..the world has potential again..

Okay for all the time i have whinged and moaned,
felt sorry for myself and needed to let the world know,
i now feel content. I've taken a risk and invested in a challenge,
one that can either fall flat on my face or turn out in my favor.
I work long hours and keep busy doing ten things at once, but
it's not monotonous-
no social life but who knows life is turning out to be very interesting..

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Feeling useful...

it's amazing how important it is to feel useful, to know that you are a making a difference -
this need not be something huge, like finding the cure for cancer, but just figuring out little details that someone else missed-and feeling in control, another thing that was lacking in my life..As usual I'm being stubborn and taking risks. Believing in something, someone, when most people tell me not to! I've been wrong before, and this can't turn into one of those, I can't eat crow here...too many I told you so's! Just once I WANT to be right! where do i go if i'm wrong..not going to think of that yet..I need this too much, I hadn't realized how much. It feels good to be in my element...even if that is just as an assistant..

Working, reading and sitting quietly in a corner writing with a glass of wine, Quietly alone being the prominent word here..I miss that as well, so for all of my friends out there, enjoying sitting in a quiet house, with no one to bother them enjoy it. I've lived in other peoples houses for 8 months i'm damn tired of it...i'm not that social or family oriented.

Hmmm the weather is at least holding out, sun, sea and light chilly breezes..

Will post pictures of my mother's 70th birthday party later..went out to eat.

Stay well....

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

so there is always a brighter side..

Sometimes it takes a while to see it, it gets lost amongst the fog and despair. The difference comes with some financial independence-even if it's not much. Working is good for the soul, it keeps away the memories, the what if's, if only's..immersed in work you lose track of time. I know that it's better to be alone than to be with someone for the wrong reasons. I've been there and I've recently found out I like being independent and not answering to anyone for my actions..So, tomorrow I start working..wish me luck.

Friday, April 06, 2007

Have I given in?

Has the need to find work clouded my judgement? I've accepted a job which I know I can do, for a ridiculously low amount of money..it's something to keep me sane, but why do i feel as if i've given in?? Given in to societies dictates and accepted a job that will bore me to death! Sigh...the need to balance getting old and needing security with enjoying life while you are still young..Having ideals and goals and being able to achieve them!
The complexities of life and love...