Sunday, January 21, 2007

Dare I say it...


I am an idealist.
Despite everything I still believe in "happy endings", "love", and
"trying to get what you want in life."Although,
there are times I begin to feel my age,and life starts to feel too short-
I start to wonder if I'm "too late" but for what...To start anew.
That's it, when all is said and done.It's difficult not to be scared and
think that "they" might be right. All those who know better..Yet it's not fair!
I might be too late, but...
I am an idealist..and I want to try..

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Tout commence par des reves..it all begins with a dream!

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

A day spent whinging..


I always thought that one day life would get easier, there would come a time where everything would just fall into place. Why?I don't know! I've come to the conclusion that unless you are one of those lucky people who know what they want to be from the precocious age of 5, most people don't know how they will turn out. Fate and luck play a large part, if born into a semi civilized society that is one point in your favor. I say semi civilized because every society has its own rules and regulations which could be argued for or against. Living in Istanbul at the moment, I've become aware of how indifferent people truly can be. However this can be said about most big cities and I just happen to be here. Sitting in a street cafe drinking tea, waiting for the ferry a gypsy comes up to me. She's old, asking to read my palm, I've blown her off before in one of my "don't give a damn moods" but looking into her eyes I said no thanks, she said she was hungry..so I gave her some change. If you really look at them and touch them its hard not to feel some pity...same thing on the ferry coming back. An old man with one leg is trying to interest the crowd into buying lighters-his face is lined, and tired as if to say doesn't anyone give a damn. It isn't fair really, how much would could either of them earn and at that age..I thought of myself, my family, friends it could happen..you never know. It's the same with romance and love.
Growing up in New York, I read alot, and I still do, hence my becoming an English major. However, sometimes reading can be dangerous and lead you to develop ideals which truly do not exist. Like the myth about "Prince Charming"..hmm riding up on his white horse, or the "happily ever after" with one man (or woman). These dangerous thoughts had most young girls (at least when I was growing up back in the 80's) to primp and shorten their skirts in hopes of attracting him and living out the fantasy. These girls do attract men, in many different shapes and sizes. Many girls, excited by the prospect of a man, settled for the imitation with hopes that some would get better with age. Some seemed quite pleased with themselves and for many years assumed that, getting slapped, degraded, pregnant and cheated on was just part of the new package. How did they know, we never got passed the kiss or riding off into the sunset. So,maybe this was what they deserved, if you tell a girl or boy they're worthless enough times they start believing that. Although I'm not sexist I've taken on the side of the women here, it's just a larger ratio usually in society. Sigh..A never ending cycle..it's hard to escape once you're caught in the middle and it seems impossible to leave. Sadly, this doesn't seem to be a new trend, listening to older people discuss their youthful exploits made me realize that it's always been around. Don't we ever learn?
Another pet peeve of mine happens here in Turkey, as well as in a few other places (non western) arranged marriages and women seen as commodity, to the extent that they get killed.Some young girls in Turkey, try to escape by running away or going to the police. However, as luck would have it, it seems desperately unfair. The guardian arrives properly contrite and the girl, who is usually underage, is released into their custody. Returned to their previous abuse which sometimes leads to death. I despise reading the local newspapers, it details countless accounts of rage murders, jealousy and the most famous "namus"-honor killings. Why is it always a woman's honor, and not a man's? Just once I'd like to read about a woman murdering her husband for dishonoring the family! I cannot understand for the life of me, how one sibling could kill another one, and it is usually the youngest boy who has the honours. (If caught, being a minor he does less or no jail time.) Around the 12th century, the Scandinavians seemed to have the right idea, if a woman was "dishonored",the family was paid a fine and the woman married off at a later time (either to the same man, or someone else). Civilized-she was still seen as property but hell at least she was still allowed to live! What is it with sexuality that has people killing each other?! It is a normal act, which two people engage in and yes male or female. It's my property and I have the right to deal with my body as I see fit! However no, if I was to say that in some parts of the country I would get gang raped probably..It depresses me sometimes to think people should be able to get over it. But no..with all our technology and modernity, human beings still resort to primitive man. Shouldn't we be passed all these issues with sexuality, and just accept people? Lesbians and homosexuals as well..what difference does it make who they love as long as the fact that they do love. Why the desperate need to judge, why can't they just accept it. It doesn't do any harm! Besides which at least speaking for myself, attraction and falling in love, are not conscious choices but more with chemistry and emotions! Therefore trying to force them to be standard, (I hate the term normal ) is a waste of time. This happens all over the world, and it never ceases to amaze me. Sometimes it just seems to be a lack of common sense..maybe despite what I thought life does get easier..at least at the moment it seems that way for me.

In nature we find...

a valley near Urgup, Cappadocia

rocks formed by nature as toys for the gods...delicate yet balanced..incredible.

Monday, January 08, 2007

the cry inside...kathy's lament.

See me for what I am,
love me for what I'm not.
Never leave me standing alone,
needing to see in you
a glimmer of love, just a glance.
Laughter-
lost in a dream, is that it?
Isn't that all this is, life is but a dream,
when in futility it all will end.
Waiting and wanting.. a never ending cycle.

Saturday, January 06, 2007

Recovering a piece of my past..


Goreme Museum, Early Christian Church.
Today I recovered a piece of my past-
which ten years had taken in a blur, and
although the body may age,adding a few more lines,a bit of grey,
the soul stays the same -so that
you'd recognize the smile, the voice, no matter how frail the body may become.
Time stills,the years peel away and you still see the person that was left behind,
so many years ago.
There are times when you need to be independent and grow,
however,
it's always nice to have someone who shares your memories,
and remembers the times when you were truly young and naive.
And when in the end you become old and grey, and are left
with photos and distant memories,
how nice it is to sit and chat, and remember those fleeting moments of time
with laughter and a smile.

Monday, January 01, 2007

The discovery of Romeo and Juliet in the strangest of all places...




In the little village of Harran, young Juliet instinctively knew
what to do, with no hesitation, no guile
a little smile and all was lost..
"Should I stay or should I go?" Poor Romeo wondered to himself..
"Do I have a chance?" The age old question..isn't that all we really want?
A chance to be happy, a chance to dream..and a chance to love! In this we take quite a few risks -to find "the" right one..But how do we know? We never really do, do we? As we get older we lose our naivity ,our instinctive trust that it will be alright! People change, love changes-and like Romeo's village friend seems to say..





"Lay your heart open and its bound to get hurt!" but..is the saying true, that old cliche?

"It is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all??"
For some that's not true, lost love makes them bitter! Better to erect a shell around the heart filling in all the cracks!!
For some love is bittersweet.. the joy of being together tainted with the knowledge, that it is fleeting..like a moment in time. One of life's endless little jokes which hurt like hell..

photo ©2006J.Jaulin
So the search continues..or does it? Can we stop it! The cry of "Yes!" echoes in the distance..the cries die down..no..and what is left? An empty shell-a cold empty shell..
True it may be possible to pretend to love, some perfect even the physical side of it, with no emotion tainting the heart, going through all the motions, at times so well the other side can almost forget-yet can that really be enough? Do they know the joy of being perfectly in tune with someone who has your heart? A cliche, perhaps, old fashioned-probably for some..but quite a real prospect however dangerous..
Although once I was criticized for saying "love" was a basic human necessity...I stand by it. Just as early canonists stood by it. Possibly misogynistic old men in the 12th century, but in some ways they were ahead of their time..
So unless a chance is taken, we never can know can we? Sometimes it is better to leave the known comfort of an old shell, and take a risk-it just might be worth it.