we are not always what we seem...

little by little my strength deserts me,

replaced by a fatigue that infiltrates my soul.

watching the sun slide away,

my heart senses nothing but its basic function.

the sun leaves behind a chill wind, which suits me as it slices me in two.

once open will it finally reveal a heart of stone?

Fits my mood...

crossing the continents on the ferry-istanbul

Apology to all

I've been trying to post photos since the 14th of March but there seems to be a problem-hopefully i will find a way to fix it! Getting annoyed!

Look what I've become...

Searching for work has become a combination of prostitution,
begging and luck.
Although I've begged,chatted and just about used every form of charm (except one)smiling..
still no luck. There is only one thing I can't do! It's make a pest out of myself.
Yes..that's probably why I'm still sitting here! Therefore what's a girl to do??
Continue to believe in the jobfairy??Laughing..
Wouldn't that be nice, a near cousin of the toothfairy perchance.
Someone flitting around leaving little acceptance applications in your email-rather than money under your pillow!
Laughing..yes it's now official, I've lost what little sense I had...
If found please return to sender..

Effect of sunlight..

Weaving in and out of the crowd, sunlight glints off the metal tray-
deftly handled by steady hands-
Hypnotized by its motions, I continue to watch..What binds me to this place? Warm sun heats my back, my eyes close almost asleep.. A muezzin reads the afternoon prayers, harsh and loud it breaks my stupor. Calling the faithful it has the reverse affect on me. A gypsy woman asks to read my palm, dare I? Would it make a difference?
Isn't it we who determine our fate? We who change our destiny according to our past decisions..So, no, there isn't anyone to blame but ourselves. Resigned to her fate she gracefully accepts a donation while I get up to leave, leaving behind the sunlight.

All the world's a stage,

and we are merely players...
in the process of searching for work,
this could never be more true.
Never knowing where the opportunity may be,
the actors take the stage.
Socializing, smiling, making eye contact,
in a store,a bar, or in my case
a cafe.
Polite conversation flows from one person to the next-
exchange of emails, that's the present trend. No longer-
the use of phones. They are seen as too personal -
the sound of a human voice,
far more difficult to refuse-
Whereas an email-is easy to ignore.
Once again,smiling, laughing-
considered too social by some,yet-
those who have jobs have forgotten the struggle behind the mask.
They sit content, safe at their desks. Dissatisfied they grumble, yet
no one makes a move to leave.
Afraid that one day they too will once again have to search and socialize.
All the world's a stage and we are merely players...
lost in our own neverending circle we struggle to survive.

Don't fence me in...

Porter had the right of it..
The cafe by the sea has become my haven
hidden away from reality, hot tea and the world at my fingertips.
A sea of faces accompanied by greetings, acquaintances that stay inside this sphere of plastic and wooden chairs.
Murmur of voices some raised to cacophonic heights during the day.
At night the sound of wooden chips slammed against the backgammon board,
shuffling of newspapers-replaced by the creaking of boats against the waves.
Safe..a place to run to-when I have no place to run.
Wandering nomad I called myself. I couldn't have been more accurate...
At times, I'm walking a thin line
j'ai besoin un gros calin but alas not just from anybody!

Whose afraid of the big bad wolf??

What are we afraid of in this world? I asked myself this, havıng just read an article on once again the inclusion of gay children's books in Germany and Britain. http://www.spiegel.de/international/spiegel/0,1518,archiv,00.html) Societies, in general, inflict so many stigmas and boundaries on how we should live our lives. The article went on to state that the children themselves were fine with the idea, but it was the parents that were getting worried. Isn't the whole purpose of marriage,relationships or whatever you call it-two people uniting in a show of love. We seem to mix up the act of sex with a person's sexual orientation. And I daresay that is the first thing people think of when they hear of a gay couple. Can someone tell me why, when we change the gender of the penetrator does it become an issue? Who are we to judge how two people have sex! God knows there are those out their that get aroused by strange fetishes, and isn't anal penetration prevalent in heterosexual relationships as well?? Just as well, I'm sure if anyone reads this , they will say that sex isn't the problem, but isn't it? What else is different then? If we take the act of sex out of it, how do you rationalize denying two people their fundamental rights?-love, security,children-yes children! (my own mother disagrees with me on this point) People argue it is against nature- Haven't we seen hundreds of documentaries on monkeys, and forgive me for not remembering the breed, but there are those that penetrate just about anything when they are in the mood. The females congregate in same sex groups feeding each others children, cleaning each other and basically only use the males to procreate. Hmmm..
I just think that we have to take our head out of the sand! There are children out there who have a gay parent, or have two mommies etc..so wouldn't accepting this as ( i hate to use this word-forgive me) but normal just make life easier for everyone. Besides which this isn't a preference, one cannot just switch one's feelings like they do chocolate and we all know how much good denying does?? All those historians out there-Helio and myself included, can tell you homosexuality has been around and intends to stay! There are so many other problems out there in this world that argueing about a persons sexuality seems ridiculous, take global warming for instance...and not falling in love again! smiling..

Empowered I like that word..

14th C.Walrus tooth chess piece-Gotland Museum

It has an interesting ring to it! Being interested in literature I know that words have a power on their own and this was one word I never considered 'empowered'. A friend of mine used it in describing her state of being in her current relationship. What does it take to feel that way?? I asked myself and came up with this basically,

if you can walk away from a relationship without getting hurt (too badly) then you are empowered.
if you can leave a job at a moments notice-
if you can wake up in the morning and smile for no reason-look at the sky and enjoy the beauty of the day-then life hasn't gotten you down you are empowered.
if you have options that allow you to change your life whether or not you use them, knowing that they are there-
most important if you can look back at your life and not feel too much regret (it's impossible not to feel any) and smile then.....

And right now, I feel empowered, jobless I might be but not without hope and choices seem to be popping up every day now. I've also begun to realize that I've lead an interesting life which I should be proud of....

A day in Bebek Kahvesi...

Sitting by the sea in a crowded cafe, filled with the cacophony of dice and smoke-roll, slam, drop to the floor. Curse,crawl on hands and knees in search of the lost culprit. Backgammon, a game that goes back centuries, to be played during times of stress and relaxation. Lulled by the sound and smoke my mind wanders..time ceases to exist. Yet my heart still aches..a sign that I'm not dead yet. Do I believe in coincidence? Destiny? Someone I've just met,says don't give up-Yigilma...dare to believe in your dreams. Why when I've almost given up, do I get a second chance-from friends and strangers alike? Made to sound so simple, tout commence par des reves! My own motto, comes back to haunt me! Tea flows from tray to table-a never ending tide, strong, dark and unmistakably Oriental, a tradition as old as the game. To have what you want, what do you have to give up? Photos displayed on the wall for others to see and enjoy, a testimony to a life spent traveling..live,learn and love. Is life really so simple?

Some things never change..or can they?

I am happy to be known as Auntie Aylin to my friends son, nicknamed Orbit a beautiful soul, who as a child only wanted a kiss-cuddle...he's now, in the seventh grade in Scotland and as a quiet child, growing up can be quite difficult. Interestingly enough, the highlands of Scotland are not the quiet idyllic places that we or at least I assumed them to be. On my one and only visit two years back (time flies) I was introduced to bullies, unemployment, underage and overage drinking, drugs and single mothers..If looked at simplistically, it can be narrowed down to the fact that there isn't anything to do-my friend was trying to organize a recreation center to keep the local kids busy, but all this takes community effort and one person's drive. It's truly a hopeless situation because there is only so much you can do..and these kids are supposed to be the next generation, how? when teachers spend more time in trying to control them then teaching them, since when did we need security guards in schools to protect the teachers from the kids! I know everyone knows all this and its nothing new, yet, I still feel it's important enough to remind everyone once again..it's hard to imagine life can be any different if that's all that you are used to..so how do we change it! The only way I can is to be around to offer support and an ear to listen if these kids need anything..