Planning or wanting doesn't work so..

A swift kick in the arse, or in my case -a good banging of my knee on ice helped knock some sense into me, during a senseless time..my worse nightmare, problems with my visa have surfaced..so I've given up..whatever is going to happen will happen..I am now strangely calm..
I also finally have an answer to another question which was plaguing the back of my mind, which I can live with and understand, it closes a chapter..what they say about closure is frightfully true, so I am at peace and content...only thing missing is taking a long long walk in the mountains, had a short one last weekend but it wasn't enough..too much in the city..
but in my dreams I can see..the white peaked trees covered in snow, as far as my eyes can see, inhaling sharply, the cold cuts deep into my lungs, yet it doesn't hurt..only refreshes, closing my eyes slowly, I sense the fragrance of the pines,the dry papery whish of the birch trees..music as the silence penetrates deep into my veins..drumming slowly a song penetrates deep within my soul..entering the silence. Thank you...

Don't forget to click on the cartoon to follow the link! I recommend looking through his cartoon archive!

when all is said and done- really we should be thankful for our health..a friend had complications from a previously "simple" surgery, somehow I was here...alone with no language trying to deal with insurance ..and now he's in the hospital with a second operation to try to clean up the old one, and seeing him like that, made me realize really to be grateful for your health (and have insurance)..which of course I don't have..

Childhood...

Snow falling in heaps, children sledding,
red cheeks, hysterical laughter! Lost in thought, it's easy to miss the sheer innocent enjoyment of snow..until one child, one sweet-(this one is!)little six year old child stands up and peers out the window..and there is no need for language...forlorn he stares at his friends, whilst I book in hand, go over the days of the week, Monday...silent tears streak down his face, and for the first time, I wonder what am I doing...I want with all my heart to say, go have fun play in the snow, who needs English at this age! Yet I can't...I try to quietly get him to go wash his face and relax, but here language is needed and even his sister stares blankly at me, and tells me why he's upset (in czech) yet I understand why...I leave the book it's useless now, and try to find a game to make it up to him..I do not know why I felt so bad, perhaps because he was so quiet and resigned, unlike some other children who misbehave and I can feel some indignation! I could empathize with his sorrow, yet I know there will be many days of snow, and many more tears to come...life is hard, if only I could be sure that at least he IS learning something....

late night foolishness

Chronicles of the heart-
pass the time between love and passion,
opening towards the sun, absorbing all the light and warmth.
Needing no guidance, listening to no one-
consumed in their own little world, they gravitate and grow in the heat of passion.
The little betes! condemns the brain, if only they would listen to logic's common sense, they would be safe! Yet the heart knows no restraint-it trusts and loves...and loves again...Condemned to repeat the same mistakes over and over, sighs the brain. Perhaps yet a life without passion is a life which is over before it began, proclaims the heart. Safe in its own cocoon, it never feels pain! Yet safe in its own cocoon, sighs passion, it fails to feel the shiver of a harsh kiss on a cold windy night,
in Chronicles of the heart.

To rest unencumbered in this world, free from thought and pain...finding solace
in a glass of plum brandy..slivovice..softened with fruit tea..
too easy to get lost in its depths,
No headache, no nausea, simply a release,
...too easily addictive...
purely a release,
which solves nothing..
in the light of day, it all remains the same...
Yet I know
I am not the first
nor will I be the last to know this..and still search for release..

Ahh the younger generation!

Are we (the book people) really this old!!! :)

p.s. click on the cartoon, it's a link. (It's the first time I've tried this)

Home sweet home..

A portion of an article I found in the IHT, African section, dated November 14. I'm beginning to lose what little faith I had in humanity again, I often try to restore it but then it is quickly diminished.. why is it that greed always wins, and simple people always suffer the whims of those who hold power? This article depicts the destruction of a forest in Kenya, starting with the British colonials in the 1930's, and ending with those in power now, and a small tribe of people who are simply trying to keep their home (the forest) and their way of life...(nothing new I know).

This could be a problem because the Ogiek are not great record keepers. Recent reports indicate that 8 of 10 Ogiek cannot read. Their total population is estimated at 5,000 to 20,000, many of them balancing their traditions with the trappings of modern life. It is not uncommon to see an Ogiek man with a quiver of eagle feather arrows in one fist and a cellphone in the other.

“I have one question,” said an Ogiek boy in a village near Marashoni. “Will the government evict us or not?”

Another young man tramped off into the woods to check a honey trap at the top of a tall tree. He was carrying a smoking coconut — “to make the bees sleep,” he explained — and wearing an antelope skin pouch and a pair of muddy sneakers. The last thing he did before shimmying up the bark and disappearing into the leaves was to kick off his shoes, a symbol of the world he was leaving behind, however fleetingly.

Three words lost forever in the dead of night,
softly uttered words
caress your back...
you never notice...
only words
they hold no physical substance,
yet linked to the heart...
they yearn to break free once broken they can not be tied down...
foolish words,
some
take them so lightly..
never imagining the joy or the pain they can bring...
would that I could utter them freely
three words
lost forever in the dead of night...

Three years!

I just realized that I have been writing on this blog, since September 2006, three years almost four! Three years of my life resting between the pages of this blog...perhaps in the fifth year I shall compile a memoir...(if I'm still around)..smiling..

howling of the wind...

The wind howls and bursts through the cracks in my window.. Monstrous music-
as it penetrates its way through the leaves and between the buildings-
it seeks entry into my soul. Yet I resist, it will not enter through me! Beating incessantly on the window...it seeks entry...I shall not lose my soul to its endless song!
there is no moon as the rain beats down in torrents of water..washing away the last of the leaves, leaving the trees bare, nude to winters grasp..beating incessantly on the window..it seeks entry...deep into my soul.

I miss the warmth...

Today was the 20th anniversary of the "velvet revolution"the czech revolution. In the main square there was a small presentation of what life was like with a slide presentation and police cars etc..Although I can not imagine what it was like to live in society where every thing was repressed, it does help to explain why there is a general feeling of containment and repression within the everyday life of the people of Ostrava. Between the occupation of the Germans, and the Russians they lost their soul...Perhaps I'm over emphasizing a bit,and this is just my opinion after observing people in trams, cafes and talking to one or two (who happen to speak english).They are nice and polite yet there is no sparkle of life in their eyes. Perhaps they open up over a few drinks, I do not know, but during the day.. I miss outbursts of emotions, spontaneous laughter! or even an argument between couples or parent and child.

Today I really miss the mediterranean, the warmth, the fact that we hug and kiss when we meet someone, the casual banter with the shopkeeper, the laughter or even the tears. We love with our whole being, sometimes jealously, possessively yet it shows that we are alive... I am an emotional person, my surroundings affect me, people affect me-I can survive here ( I am durable) but it will be interesting to see how it will affect my psyche...It's not the same as Sweden, there they were just cold, devoid of emotion. Here, they have emotions but they are so repressed and pushed down inside them, that it is hidden away...it will be interesting to see how it will come out...(other than through beer).

I'll stop here...

I came across the love affair between Edith Piaf and Marcel Cerdan, recounted through their letters in the book "Moi pour Toi"..I didn't know the story of the boxer and the singer.. these letters are completely personal, and tragic...he dies about a year after their relationship in a plane crash trying to get to her...I can't keep reading it, but will include some excerpts, it doesn't matter who wrote it.
(sorry that it is in french)

A demain, mon amour. Sois fort pour deux, j'en ai besoin. Je t'aime deraisonnablement, anormalement, follement et je n'y puis rien. Serre-moi par la pensee dans tes bras et dis toi que rien au monde ne compte en dehors de toi pour moi.

Mon amour est plus fort que jamais et n'espere plus qu'en tes bras, ta bouche, tes mains, tes yeux et je suis a toi de toute mon ame. Toi moi.

Oh cherie, comme je t'aime mais vraiment, tu sais. Je ne sais pas ce qu'il m'arrive, je dois rever, je sui au paradis avec toi.

Je t'aime a en crever.

Mon bel amour que j'adore.

Je t'aimerais n'importe comment, meme assassin.

Tout et ma vie, toute ma vie.

Mon amour qui est grand, plus grand que l'immensite..

I'll end my little discourse on love, with Tennyson's poem In Memoriam:27, 1850:

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

Huang O (1498-1569)

My book of women poets still holds some surprises...written during the Ming Court, "openly erotic poetry was not considered appropriate for women writers who were not courtesans"..it's beautiful.

You held my lotus blossom
In your lips and played with the
Pistil. We took one piece of
Magic rhinoceros horn
and could not sleep all night long.
All night the cock's gorgeous crest
stood erect. All night the bee
Clung trembling to the flower
Stamens. Oh my sweet perfumed
Jewel! I will allow only
My lord to possess my sacred
Lotus pond, and every night
You can make blossom in me
Flowers of fire.

Ou encore cette vibration du regard tout a faire singuliere. En fait elle etait simplement femme. Femme jusqu dans l'air qu'elle expirait, dans le parfum exhale de sa peau..
Gilbert Sinoue..

Addition to my words of love..

I am happy to be receiving such a response!

There is always place for imagination...
mon chouchou... which means my favorite one... it's very cute..
mon chéri
lumière de ma vie... for extremely romantic moments..hmmm...yes.
mon aimé
mon bijou
mon précieux
amoureux..linguistically this sounds rich to the ear...

AND mon ame..my soul..which for me would be said a few years into the relationship...

Words and their usage!

Such a simple thing we take it for granted but for ages!!! I've been searching for a phrase in french to satisfy "I'm just teasing you a bit"...and finally I came across "j'ai plaisante"perhaps I had heard it before and it never registered, that does happen, yet right now..ahh it feels like a locked door has opened inside me..which is forever closed at the moment in the world of Czech...the feeling of infinite gratitude when someone manages to speak a little bit of English (or french) is unexplainable.
Also,in reading Gilbert Sinoue, Avicenne,I've come across an expression which is a bit antiquated (from what I've been told) yet, I like the way it sounds and translates.
"Mon bien aime" my best loved, perhaps because "mon amour" has been used so often in literature and the media, that it's lost its presence for me...
Of course they all have their place and quand tu fais l'amour, to say "mon bien aime" is perhaps a bit long..so might I suggest another simple one.."mon coeur"!
Look forward to hearing other suggestions..smiling..

Loss of humanity...

I came across this a few years back in the side streets of Paris. Living in a world full of change and uprisings it seemed fitting to post this now."Don't be a sheep". Does this mean "stand up for what you believe in", if so then how far do we take this concept. An Egyptian woman was stabbed to death in a German courtroom! (It still baffles me how no one could have stopped him!) She took him to court, for defamation, perhaps she believed that she needed to stand up for her beliefs, to stop perhaps one "racist". She was killed for her beliefs, some would make her a martyr and perhaps she was, yet one family rests without a mother and a wife, an intelligent woman who had her whole life ahead of her. Stand up for what you believe in, although you might get killed, how often has this been repeated throughout history? Yet, who is to say "who is right"? The Bolsehvik's believed they were right when they started the revolution, and yet it led to Stalin's regime and years of fear and suffering. The Israeli's assumed they had the right to Palestine, they needed a home. They assumed that the Palestinians would agree and yet the fighting continues, the list is endless, Afghanistan,Bosnian War...I've repeated it a hundred times, thank you Lord Acton (1873), Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely. The imposition of the ideals (and wants) of a few men (I have yet to see a woman) leads to imminent unrest for the whole of society. With economic unrest, immigrant migration, capitalism and social structures constantly shifting, the loss of social values has led to the loss of basic humanity. The concept of the "self", "the individual" has grown but at what cost?

De tous les mysteres de l'univers, l'amour est bien complexe. L'amour est proche du divin.

Gilbert Sinoue "Avicenne"

goodbye at the border...

If only you looked back, his face
tired, withered yet only twenty eight..one last glance-
if only you looked back with his child in your arms, no last kiss,
just a quick wave, happy to leave,
if only you looked back -
you would have seen
the longing in his eyes and oh how they followed you...